The Redheaded Slut

The Ethics of Blogging

2012-02-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

I take my blog seriously. Obviously, hence all the ice cream references.

I started writing because I missed writing for me, about my life and what I loved. And my mission statement for the blog was to write for me - to work out what's going on in my life and my head. I also write for my partners, so they know what's going on, or can feel validated or "seen," or to express something more easily. I write for anyone reading who has gone through a similar issue or felt the same way. I'm called a sex blogger, but I write about more than Tab A and Slot B. I write about emotions, experiences and viewpoints. I write about how something affects me. I share things because I want to, and because sometimes I feel they're important ideas to share. And because I don't live in a vacuum - I write about my partners.

So I have to consider my partners' privacy and feelings. I use pseudonyms to protect their external privacy. I check to make sure they're comfortable with the level of sharing, what's being shared, how it's being framed. I don't run every entry past my Board of Partners for approval. But I check in. When I wrote my last piece about Venn, I made sure to get his consent beforehand - I even offered to show him the piece before I posted it. I want him to be trust that he won't be misrepresented or portrayed negatively.

There are times I want to be more open or honest, to express my frustration at the world or other people, to just let it all out. There are times I feel like I shouldn't have to censor myself. But what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? I've read blogs that bash their current and ex-partners, that share indiscriminately. I've even been referenced on past partner blogs...and I'd wished I'd had a heads-up.

This is my blog. My space. My corner of the Interwebs. I have the right to share how I feel, right? But when I post something for the world to see about a partner, I'm involving them in a public forum and they deserve to have consent, to be part of that discussion. I'm open about my triggers and my fantasies on this blog, but I've consented to putting that information out in the world.

Not getting someone's consent in any situation is unethical. Balancing how someone might respond with being candid and true to myself can be a balancing act, but we do it every day with the way we speak and act. It's not easy, but the alternative - being an unethical slut - is loads worse.

RHS

Turning the Tide

2012-02-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

I started seeing someone new recently. Venn and I have been on a couple dates and the chemistry's been...very, very good. So much so that when we planned our third date and I realized I'd be menstruating, I gave him a heads-up so he wouldn't expect sexytime. Given that Venn approaches a lot of sociocultural issues differently, I shouldn't have been surprised when his response was essentially, "And?"

Through Western culture and my past partners, I've been conditioned that a certain time of the month is off-limits for sexytime. It makes sense; our culture uses a lot of degrading language around menstruation. We're taught that we're unclean, that we're gross, that we're temporarily broken. And my partners have always been uncomfortable with it. Blood usually means something's gone wrong.

So at the beginning of the evening, even knowing Venn didn't care, even knowing he kinks on blood, I still felt awkward. I was nervous, imagining lots of "what if" scenarios. But eventually, I got distracted by other awesome things that were happening and started to feel sexy instead of nervous. It felt almost subversive, given how long I've associated menstruation with Now Is Not Sexytime. I felt empowered and almost indifferent. I walked naked across the room and didn't worry there might be blood streaking my thighs - and if there was, it wasn't a big deal or it might even be a turn-on.

I understand why my partners might feel weird or grossed out by blood. Sure, it's a natural product of my body...but I have lots of bodily fluids and it's ok that we're not into say, watersports. But part of me does feel a little lessened. If the shoe were on the other foot - if my partner's semen flipped me out and I refused to touch it or have anything to do with it - I imagine it'd be hard not to take a little personally.

But like any predilection or kink, you have to learn not to take it personally because it's about their issues with menstruation and blood. I'm struggling a little with this, but I'm reminding myself that this issue not about me being less awesome at certain times of the month. I know all of my partners do not love all of my kinks. It doesn't mean they don't love me, care for me, or want to see me happy. But it does feel wonderful when you find someone who is into your kink, who gets you, or who accepts some part of you. One of the benefits of poly for me is certainly being able to have multiple people with multiple areas of compatibility. Feeling accepted and understood is really powerful.

Now if I could only find someone who fetishizes ice cream as much as I do...

RHS

But I Still Want a Pony

2012-01-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

Because my birthday is so close to the New Year, I tend to reflect on what I've done and what I want to do. It was a year of beginning new relationships and ending others. There was growth, anxiety, and frustration. There were tough decisions, sadness, hope, and excitement. There were cupcakes, ice cream, and Oxford commas.

And while I didn't get my pony this year, I still count it as a success. (I did get a unicorn, though. Or at least made Seven hold a white dildo on his head and gallop around the room. Next time he'll have a unicorn tail. And wings. Just because.)

Last year, I wanted to be a dessert tray, keep teaching, and develop more headspaces/personas. I wanted to do more co-topping, and make with the sexy forced male cross-dressing. I've gotten to do all of those – and then some!

1. I took over the local female-dominated parties at my favorite play space. I wanted to create an inclusive, safe space for kinksters regardless of gender, sexual, or power orientations. They've been a success – and people keep coming.
2. I was voted Best Sex blogger by my local alternative weekly.
3. I tried a lot of new needle play, including a vein tap and getting wings!
4. I went to the Shibaricon rope bondage convention, Northern Lights and Kinky Nights convention and Thunder in the Mountains with L, where we had good classes and great scenes.
5. I started dating Seven and our relationship has grown into a fulfilling, fantastic part of my life.
6. I tried edgier forms of play – including rape and blood play – and found a need for intensity in me that had gone untapped.
7. I performed in a sideshow as a contortionist.
8. I taught my first class on flirting (my favorite class) and have continued to teach and perfect it.
9. I did my first suspension, which made me feel kind of badass. L seemed to enjoy it, too!

This year, I want to...

1. Find new ways to play with L and areas of kink overlap.
2. Go back to experimenting with a D/s dynamic with L.
3. Keep having an awesome time and growing the relationship with Seven.
4. Be open to new relationships.
5. Learn how to do needle play.
6. Get better at rope bondage.
7. Have more NSA strap-on sex.
8. Work on some of my insecurities and anxieties around kinky and poly.
9. Keep exploring my inner dominant.

Here's to you, 2012. You are wide-open with possibilities.

RHS

Aggressor

2011-12-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write some erotica for a while now. For self-care purposes...obviously. ;) But it's been problematic. Gotta find the time to sit down and write. Gotta be in the right headspace. Gotta get over “oh my god, will it suck?” And the hardest question of all – what to write about?

I turn to my fantasies. Chief among them is the fantasy of nonconsent. More specifically, wanting-it-but-not-wanting-it. I blame this on some literotica I found in my early teens involving a woman who is coerced into giving her brother's friend a blowjob. Meanwhile, the brother goes down on her, “ensuring” that she likes it and won't tell anyone about the experience. Of course, as the story unfolds, she finds herself truly getting aroused. The dichotomy off being turned on by what would normally be a horrific situation has always appealed to me. For the longest time, I thought “my god, I'm into incest.” It's only been lately that I realized it was less about the incest and more about the “you don't want it but you do” feeling. (Hence my cheerleader rape erotica.)

To be fair, Seven and I played with a stepbrother/stepsister fantasy once. It was...unsettling. Not to say I wouldn't try it again, but those dark fantasies tap into a strange place that I haven't really acclimated to. What was especially unexpected about that scenario was the stepsister (me) was the aggressor. In essence, the stepsister raped her stepbrother. There was lots of “what would our parents think?” and “you're supposed to be taking care of me!” and “if you didn't want this, you wouldn't be hard.”

I like seeing women as the aggressor. I've talked before about conquest sex, about wanting something and taking it. There's a song I like (Brand New, “Sic Transit Gloria”) that I've always thought was about a stepsister coercing her stepbrother into sex. I have this scenario in my head of her touching him and kissing him. He's turned on, but doesn't want it. It's like rape for him, and he just wishes it were over. Of course, in my head, he wants to be used, wants to be taken, even though he knows it's wrong. In my head, he's incredibly horny, and he's squirming and moaning. In my head, she wants to fuck him. She doesn't care about the consequences, doesn't care about what comes next – she just wants.

So she takes. She climbs on top of his shirtless form, wriggles around until she can feel his erection pushing against her clit. She leans in to kiss his neck, slide her tongue around his ear. She whispers to him, “Don't you think I'm sexy? Don't you think I'm pretty?”

He turns away, tries not to look at her. She is smiling, but it's cruel – the kind of smile that says, “I don't care about what you want.” She shoves her hand under his boxers, reaching for his cock. She squeezes it, sees the grimace on his face, sees him bite his lip.

“I think you're turned on right now.” She taunts him. Grabs his hand to put on her breast, he holds it there for a second before he yanks it away. His eyes squeezed shut, she grinds against him harder. “I know I'm so wet right now.” She tries to put his hand against her pussy, but he holds his arm stiff, furiously shaking his head. She pouts, slides a finger into her cunt, pushes it against his lips. “See? I'm dripping...” She pushes her finger into her mouth, tries to get past his teeth. He keeps trying to resist, until she grabs his cock and pulls it free of his boxers. She squeezes harder now, pumping her fist up and down. The feeling shocks him out of resistance, and she takes that second to slide around on the tip.

She continues to taunt him: “I feel so good, don't I? You feel good, all hard and sliding around on my skin. You'd feel so amazing filling me up, my pussy tight and wet around your cock. Don't you want that?”

He shakes his head again and again, keeps his eyes closed. His lips form a soundless “no no no” - and his hips start moving. She can feel his body respond, feel him get harder against her. And all at once, she slams her body down. His eyes fly open, stare into hers - aroused, shocked, angry, surprised. She begins rocking her hips, feeling him get a little harder.

She can feel him struggling, moving his hips just slightly... “God, do you think you'll come in me? You feel like you could come.” She moves faster against him, hears his breath gasping from his lips. She strokes his ear, then...stops. She freezes, squeezes him inside her. “If you want to come, all you have to do is keep going.”

There's a long pause. Then: “I don't want to.”

The first words he's said all night, coming out in a creaky groan. She pouts again. “I don't believe you.” She traces his finger along his neck, his chest, his hips – all his sensitive spots. She feels the barest flicker of movement between her thighs. “Come on...” she whispers. “I know you think about me when you masturbate. I've caught you looking at me across the kitchen. You think I don't notice the erection when I bend over in my skimpy little shorts. I notice. And I have a secret for you...”

She leans in, closer, her mouth a breath away from his skin.

“I think about you when I get off. I think about climbing into your bed at night and sliding under the covers. I think about pretending I had a bad dream so you'll cuddle me. I'd cuddle in and push my ass into your crotch, pretend I don't notice how you quickly shift away. I think about teasing you, and how hard you'd get...”

Sometime as she's talking, his hips begin to move, tentatively at first, then faster. She moves with him, urging him on, telling him how close she is, how swollen her clit is, how much she wants to come with him inside her. He thrusts into her as if he's barely aware of what's happening. He groans, feeling the orgasm get closer and closer.

She slaps him. He stops moving, stares at her.

“Not before I come.”

She resumes rolling her hips and begins rubbing her clit. She keeps talking to him, tormenting him: “I love thinking about how badly I want you to pin me and fuck the hell out of me. I rub my clit, thinking of you taking me for all the times I've flashed some skin and teased you. I think about that, and oh god...” He can feel her vaginal walls squeeze him again and again and again as she comes. He can feel his own orgasm coming and soon he's thrusting and coming and his balls hurt and everything goes white for a second...

He catches his breath, looks up at her.

“See you tomorrow night.”

RHS

Love Thyself (And Not Just in the Masturbatory Way)

2011-12-19T16:23:00.000-08:00

"Secure your own oxygen mask first, then assist others."

We hear this on the plane before take-off. In the event of a drop in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop like magic! But we're told not to run around helping everyone get their mask on - put yours on first.

This may be one of the few examples of self-focused socialization we have in our culture. Women in particular are socialized to take care of other people's needs before their own. We feel guilty for saying, "I know you had a crappy day, but I did, too. So I'm going to take care of myself." (Not having been socialized as a man, I don't know what messages they get.)

I'm lucky I know a lot of people who are proponents of self-care. They understand if YOU aren't in a good place, you can't help other people. But I still feel guilty not being able to help everyone and having limited time and energy. And when I put it that way, it sounds silly. Of course I can't help everyone all the time!

But rewriting our scripts is hard. I've been doing it for poly ("He looked at another woman, which means you're no longer sexually attractive to him!") and for kink ("You're not supposed to WANT to be poked with needles!") for a few years now. I've been frustrated at the lies our society tells us. A good friend helped me articulate my frustration and strengthen my resolve to start seeing the lies and tearing them down.

Even if sometimes it feels never-ending.

So today's lie to tear down? "I am a bad person for putting myself first."

The truth? I am a good person for taking the time for self-care. I haven't had good self-care in probably two or three months. Which means I need to...

1. Disengage. Whether it's blogs, a good book, or TV, turning my brain off and focusing on someone or something else is really helpful. TV and books are especially good because the people aren't real. I don't have to make them feel better, I don't have to fix their problems. I can just be swept away.

2. Create. Whether it's blogging, writing for myself, making a costume or baking, the act of creation can be deeply healing for me. It combines the accomplishment of doing chores with the feeling of creation. I can point to something and say, "I made that." Plus...brownies!

3. Socialize. Mostly, self-care is something I do by myself. But for someone who is extroverted and social, like me, teaching a class or going out with friends can be invigorating.

4. Pamper. Maybe it's a glass of wine and a bubble bath or a two-hour self-love session with hot, sexy porn. Maybe it's dressing in luxurious pajamas or indulging in a nommy dinner. I love what sex educator Shanna Katz says about being her own primary partner: "Who loves me best? I love me best!"

*Side Note (because I want to): I own that I have a lot of needs. Poly helps with some of that, but I need to make sure I own how much I can take care of my own needs. Earlier today, I had some anxiety over an issue with one of my partners. Normally, I'd reach out to the person in question or a good friend and talk it out. This time, I wrote down why I was upset and addressed each point. It felt empowering and helpful - and I'm sure my partner appreciates me doing that on my own. And one of the things that came out of my self-talk was realizing I hadn't really masturbated by myself in weeks - maybe even months. For someone who used to have regular, long lovin' sessions...this is something I should make sure is important.

So I know what I have to do, and now I have to find the time. Sometimes it means moving a date or time with friends, sometimes it means skipping out on something you'd like to go to - both of which make me feel guilty. I used to schedule Me Time on my Google calendar - making it harder for life's other events to get in the way - so I should do that again. It's also hard when you live with someone; L and I are trying to figure out how to give each other the space we need without kicking each other out of the house.

Self-care shouldn't be a chore or something I'm trying to squeeze in. It should be something I look forward to - like a date with myself. So tonight? I'm taking myself on a date to the movies. And by "movies," I mean "wine and porn."

RHS

Sucksville

2011-12-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

The past month and a half have been spent in Sucksville. I've been dealing with a lot of feelings of hurt, frustration, anxiety, sadness and anger from several different situations. And I'm going to continue to do so for a while.

I'm not going to vent or bitch about why things have sucked. That's not what I want my blog to be about. But I've always wanted it to be a place where I can work through my thoughts and feelings. Owning your feelings, processing them, moving through them - that takes time and emotional energy that can be exhausting. And for an emotional masochist, a tempting trap.

I like feeling sad. It's something I've struggled with before I could even put a name to it. Like a physical masochist, something in my brain enjoys negative emotions. I've worked on getting that need met in a safe way so it doesn't negatively influence my life, but the tendency is still there. Like an alcoholic, I struggle with "when is enough enough?" Because it's never enough. Could I cry more? Yes! Can I kick and scream more? Sure can! Should I?

Maybe.

There are times you need to wallow. There are times you need to sit with your feelings, own them, acknowledge them. But for an emotional masochist, there's always that tendency to keep it going past a healthy point. It feels safe to be in that space. When you're sad, things could get worse - but you already feel bad, so it's like falling off your couch. But if you're happy, and something goes wrong...it's like falling off your roof. On a twelve-story building. Into a pit of hot lava.

I know I'm still processing a lot of feelings and I need to keep doing so. While I'm worried I'll hang on to those feelings longer than I should, I hope to combat that tendency. I am scared that in the midst of the swirl of negative emotions, I'll forget that life isn't all Sucksville.

Yesterday, someone asked me a very good question: "What are you going to do?" It was a good question. And one of the things was deciding to sit down and write a list of all the good things in my life.

I have a husband who loves me very much. I am the most important thing in the world to him.
I have a boyfriend who loves me very much. It won't last forever, but I'm extremely lucky to have him while I do.
I have an amazing best friend who's there for me, validates me, and knows when cheese, wine and noms are what's needed.
I have a fantastic little sister who makes me feel loved and important and part of a family.
I have a wonderful friend who listens and helps me sort out what I'm feeling and works to help me heal.
I have quite a few very good friends who listen, are supportive, and enable my ice cream habit. (Sometimes with awesome vegan dark chocolate ice cream.)
I'm excited and pleased to host a semi-regular femdom party. It makes me feel good to create a safe, fun space for my fellow kinksters.
I recently realized a situation that had been troubling me really wasn't about me at all, giving me a feeling of closure.
I am involved in a supportive and loving community that, while not without its faults, provides a space where I can explore my kinks and desires in safe, consensual ways.

There's probably a lot more. Sometimes it's so easy to focus on what's wrong that you lose sight of how many things are right. It doesn't make whatever shit you're going through easier, and it doesn't fix it...but maybe it'll help bring a balanced perspective. And soon...I hope to move out of Sucksville back to Sunshine Town.

RHS

Light and Fluffy

2011-11-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's time for light and fluffy. After a draining few weeks and a bit more emo on the blog than I typically like, I want to talk about something fun. Something cuddly. Something profoundly moved by pieces of string.

I'm talking, of course, about kittyspace.

Because sometimes, I am a kitty. I am curious. Playful. If you dangle a feather or piece of string in front of me, I will try to get that fucker. I long for your attention and pets. I want to play with you, show you I like you, and probably rub my cheek against you, marking you as "mine." (Sometimes, I am a cat. A big cat - primal, feral, vicious and hungry. I want to bite you, scratch you, eat your insides. But that's another blog post.)

For some people, they like full kittyspace. They don't talk, they just meow. They crawl on the floor. It's an immersive process. For others, it's being a sexy kitty girl - feminine, yet feline.

For me, it depends. Sometimes I like that space where I'm so kitty that I'm nonverbal. Sometimes it's fun to meow and watch the humans try to figure out what I mean. Sometimes it's walking on four legs but retaining that sense of SHINY look at that and hey what's this smell like and is that food I wanna try it blegh that wasn't nommy and now I wanna cuddle you pet me pet me pet me!

One of the questions I get from a lot of people is: what do you do with a kitty? Puppies, sure - throw a ball, teach them to sit, take them for a walk. But kitties can be less obvious. The easiest answer is: "ask your kitty."

I like lots of physical affection, like cuddling. I like getting pets and being told my skin or fur is soft. Ear scratches and nuzzling, yay! I like toys. I'll chase a string or bat at a feather. I like climbing onto your lap when you're in the middle of something. I like exploring. I like seeing what things do and sound like, and what happens if you push this button.

Every kitty is different, and the spaces they go will be different. Knowing what your partner is looking for is the basis of every good scene, every good sexytime, every good relationship. So talk to them about what they like and want.

And talk to them about catnip. If you don't...who will?

RHS

Tear It Down

2011-11-23T17:16:00.001-08:00

We have been lied to.

All of us. Every one. Through our parents, through our friends, through the media, through social norms...we are lied to. As I go deeper into my explorations of polyamory, sexuality, gender and kink, I keep stumbling across these lies. They're everywhere.

"If you're not dating a girl right now, you're not really bi or queer."

The lies wormed their way into my brain from the beginning, growing as I did, forming the basis for false assumptions that hardened into beliefs about the way the world works, the way the world is. Some of the lies are subtle, trapped in layers of social and cultural norms. Some of them are so subtle, I don't even realize they're there until I'm falling into their gaping mouths full of sharp, sharp teeth.

"You get jealous? But you're poly! You're not supposed to get jealous - you're a bad partner because of that."

A big part of exploring poly and kink has been finding these lies. Some have been easy to re-script. That being physically hit and assaulted in a consensual way is ok. That I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to, and it's ok that I don't "pick a side." That my penchant for rape play, blood, cruelty, choking, emotional masochism, and more are part of me and are perfectly valid forms of sexual and emotional expression. But some lies have been excruciatingly hard to re-script.

"If you're not building towards a life together, you shouldn't be in this relationship."

I see them now, the lies. They seem so numerous, and I don't know how to fight them. The hard ones, the subtle ones, the ones I've taken for granted as truth for so long that you might as well tell me the sky is purple and humans breathe water. But the lies hold me back, force me into positions that hurt to hold, and I want to tear them down.

I just don't know how, yet.

If I can make a list, perhaps - if I can recite the antidote to these lies that have been pushed into my brain since I was little - if I can expose and break them, it will be a win. I want to re-script the lies now now NOW.

But I can't do it immediately. And that makes me mad. I get mad at myself for not being perfect. For not figuring things out quickly enough. I am so quick to tell my partners, my friends, that they're not perfect and that's ok. That they're allowed to feel what they feel.

And so the first lie to break down? "You should be perfect."

RHS

Partners of Partners

2011-11-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

We're a big, happy poly family. We wake up together, play with each other, sex each other up and then have big nommy breakfasts. Everyone feels loved, safe, secure, and jealousy is nowhere to be found.

And then I wake up.

I love the IDEA of a big poly family, and I'm sure there are ones out there who make it work. But right now, I've realized I have a new policy when it comes to poly:

I don't get involved with partners of partners.

Granted, neither Seven nor L have other partners right now. That will likely change at some point. And Seven is the first partner I've had that didn't already have a primary partner. That in and of itself has taken some adjustment, as will the eventual presence of other women.

But I've given it lots of thought. I already know that I don't like my partners being involved with each other. Evey is the only exception - L and I play with her together and separately. Whether it's our friendship or the energy, it works.

But it doesn't always. I've had experiences where where a common play partner is shared. What happened was when all of my partners started playing with this person - and not me - I felt left out and unwanted. I'm not going through that again. So I don't share partners with partners.

And I don't feel like getting involved with these new people. Now, I want those future women to feel happy and welcome. I do. But we don't need to be best friends. We don't need to play together. We don't need to be involved in some way. And right now - I don't want any of those things.

It's easy to feel threatened when a new person comes along. To be scared that they're going to take away my partner, or take away my time with my partner. Love may be infinite, but sexual energy and time aren't. A good solution for people taking on new partners is to make sure your current partners still feel wanted, important and loved. It goes a long way.

Some people advocate getting to know the new person. Sometimes seeing them as a real, flawed human being - rather than the perfect partner you imagine - can make you feel more comfortable. Mistress Matisse wrote an article on new partners of partners. She advocates "not too much, not too soon" and getting used to them "slowly, organically, without any assumptions of intimacy."

I think that's an excellent plan. It allows you to engage other partners without the pressure to be bestest best friends. And sometimes you realize you're not that interested. Evey has a delightful way of summing it up: "If we didn't share a dick, would we still be friends?"

But Matisse doesn't talk about what to do if you already know the person, if you're already friends with them. Our kink community is big - but it's not that big. Right now, most potential partners would come from within the scene. I haven't figured out how to deal with those situations yet; right now I tend to back off if I started pursuing a friendship or playship. It's easy to say "it's not a competition" - but it's harder to internalize. It's hard to shake off that cultural indoctrination that says "if they were really your friend, they wouldn't be sleeping with your partner."

This is one of those issues I know I'm going to have to work on. Possibly soon. Possibly later. There are lots of social constructions I'm tearing down - sometimes it seems like so much, so quickly. So the best thing I'm going to do for myself is to realize it's something to work on, and not beat myself up over not being perfect.

RHS

e[lust] 31

2011-11-14T18:30:00.001-08:00

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #32 ? Start with the rules, come back in January to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~
A Feminist Defense of Consensual Nonconsent - How does a woman who identifies as a feminist reconcile her desire to submit to her partner during sex? Being somewhat new to kink, I had some trepidations about how submission seemingly went against my ethics.
Intimates - As the evening drew on, I felt like the sexiest woman alive. It’s strange to describe it this way, but I actually felt brimming with a sort of sexual energy. A lustiness, a sexiness, an allure and a desire all at once.
Tightest Space - I'm paying close attention to your moans, and I stop whenever it feels like it might be too much. But the incredibly tight feeling of your ass gripping my cock is so delicious that I need to get all the way in.
~ e[lust] Editress ~
An Open Letter to the Sex Toy Industry - I write this post not to just let off some steam but with the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe…….just maybe….some of these words will land on the right computer screen and be taken to heart. Maybe one change will happen.
~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~
International #Fisting Day!! - Beyond awareness and calling for action, I think International Fisting Day is a great day to celebrate fisting; an intimate, hugely erotic and often orgasmic act that doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
A Bit about Crushes
Are You on the Pill?
How to Approach Your Partner with a Fantasy
Meeting New People
Sex And Disability: What Does the Literature Say?
Settling – Striving For Connections in Non-Monogamy
Sex and Heart Attacks
Training my rear end
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Getting Past The Word 'Slut'
Private Pictures
The Fetish Fashion of l'Enfant Terrible
Kink & Fetish
Enough is Enough
Hands
In his hands the vibe was intensity personified
Live Well
Public Exposure: The Third Birthday Fantasy
Rope
Scammers come in different flavours
When Submission is a Dry Biscuit
Erotic Writing
A contrast in swinging
A Frightened Heart
6-Some Fun
Bent
Come Again
Emily
Her First Time
In the Bathroom
Move
treat

I Conquer

2011-11-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

Vanilla. Chocolate. Oreo. Ginger lemon cookie. Red velvet. Wasabi. Chocolate mint chip. Salted butterscotch. Horchata. Blackberry whiskey. Blueberry acai. Chocolate malt whopper. Bailey's Irish Cream. Baklava. There are so many flavors of ice cream out there.

Wait. Sex. I mean there are so many flavors of sex out there. I get the two confused. I don't mean sexual positions, I mean types of sex. The mood, the headspace. Because sure, you have vanilla sex. You have slow just-enjoy-each-other's-bodies sex. There's quickie sex, angry sex, take-down sex, hate sex, making love, who-can-get-off-more sex, rough sex, teasing sex...

And my new recent favorite: conquest sex.

Conquest sex is not about orgasms. It's not about relishing in the feel of your lover's body against your own. It's about three simple word: "Want. Take. Have."

It's been inspired by my forays into assertiveness. I started calling it "man sex" but I think Seven will start hitting me every time I say that, what with its origins in gender stereotyping and all. (He is more enlightened than me.) Conquest sex is about treating the other person like a toy or plaything. It's not about necessarily being horny and getting off. It's about wanting to play with and use the other person just because you feel like it. It's quick, direct, and to the point.

I'm sure most of the people I know have been doing some version of conquest sex for years. This is probably another one of those things that everyone's loved for years and I'm just now getting around to. Like "The West Wing." And hummus.

But it's new to me. And I like conquest sex because I feel empowered. I want something - but not desperately - so I go after it. If I don't get it, not a big deal. (So far I always get it.) There's a difference in using you because I want to get off, and using you just to use you. The combination of using the other person, taking control, and having little investment in the whole process just seems...

...well, kind of like Don Draper, one of my male models. So I think I need to start wearing more ties.

While having conquest sex.

RHS

PS: The post title is a joke from "The Simpsons." Points to whoever references is first.

Male Models

2011-10-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Previously, on The Redheaded Slut, RHS embarked on a task to conceptualize her inner dominant. After discovering that it's not so easy to figure out what “assertive” means, she decided to focus on pop culture icons for “what male/assertive/dominant looks like to me.”

Don Draper
Don Draper, as the high-powered Madison Avenue businessman from Mad Men, is a classic example of male-as-authority. He is calm and collected. In the office or the bedroom, his authority is unquestioned. He possesses all the trappings of stereotypical masculinity. He wears a business suit and tie. He is the breadwinner. He is broad of shoulder, square of jaw. Sure, he’s inscrutable, emotionally unavailable, a philanderer and certainly misogynistic. But what I admire about Don is how self-assured he is (even when he’s not sure at all) and his ability to take what he wants. Also – business suit sexiness.

David Boreanaz
Whether he’s on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel or Bones, this man is the one I’d fuck and want to fuck like. His character on the first two shows is a sensual masculinity – the way he stands, the way he looks at people…like he could devour them. His role on Buffy – and the show itself – influenced much of my kink life. There is a physical presence to him that reminds me of a hungry, wild animal. His range on all the shows take him from being strong to vulnerable, but he is always (except when Evil Angel) protective, caring and supportive of his loved ones.

Aiden Starr
This domme from Kink.com is one of the few people I would consider pushing some hard limits for. She's blonde. She's curvy. She says beautiful things like, “I bet you'd look better with a cock in your mouth.” She has a lazy style of dominance. I don't mean that in a negative way; rather, her dominance is assumed. She doesn't need to force it. It's unquestioned. She knows she has the power. Also, her use of her femininity as a weapon makes my brain spin as it tries to work through conceptualizing gender and power.

Xena
The cult show Xena: Warrior Princess set the stage for years of kick-ass female heroines from Buffy to Sidney Bristow. The series follows the adventures of a bad girl turned good Xena and her innocent sidekick Gabrielle. Filled with gratuitous action scenes, leather outfits and lesbian subtext, the series was all at once campy, dramatic, heart-wrenching, silly and engaging. I always identified with Gabrielle: slightly naïve, believes the best in people, sweet. Xena, on the other hand, was dark and brooding with a past. She could be mean if she needed to be. She strove to be good and honorable, but battled with her evil/sadistic side. She was powerful and frequently calm in the face of danger.

There are probably more examples, but these stand out as representing what I think of when I think of what kind of “man” I want to be.

So, TL;DR peeps – I want to find that dominant persona that is self-assured, powerful, and in control. I want to go after what I want in a direct way, without fear or anxiety. Somewhere inside of me, I am going to find the persona who embodies that.

Shit...how do I do that?

RHS

Enough Is Enough

2011-10-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, there was a news story about a woman who'd been held captive and tortured for ten years. Or at least, that's what I gathered from the headline. I didn't click through to the story, so I don't know if her body was found, if she's still alive, or any other details. And I'm really proud of myself.

Because I'm a misery junkie.

When I told Seven that I didn't read the news story, he asked what would have happened. I admitted that I would have been turned on. I would have been conflicted. I would have felt so much empathy for the woman, and I would have wallowed in sympathetic misery for her. I would have sought out details of her ordeal, and my brain would have filled in the blanks, making up as much cruelty and misery as I could think of. I have always been drawn to serial killer novels, horror movies, and news stories of rape and torture. But I avoid them for all the reasons listed above. They take over my brain, and I get stuck in this cycle of horror and over-empathy and misery and emotional masochism. It fucks me up for days, for weeks.

Most people are familiar with a base level of emotional masochism - watching a scary movie, listening to a sad song, feeling sorry for yourself...manipulating your emotions to feel bad. We all do it. And some people feel comforted by it the way some physical masochists feel comforted by the sting of the whip, the bite of the restraints. I've noticed that I get turned on at the prospect of a fight or confrontation - in between the cold fist of anxiety that hits my chest, the churning of my stomach, the racing of my heart, there's a rush of blood, a tingling, a desire pulsing through my body.

I've written before about how I want to get my need for misery met in a safe way that doesn't fuck me up for weeks, and got to experiment again this weekend. After staying over at Seven's, we woke up for sexytime that ended up being this twisted, cruel, abusive scene. Seven shares some of my darker fantasies and understands the conflict between horror and arousal at rape, kidnapping, torture. So when I told him I wanted to feel abused, I knew he could hurt me. Among other things, he used a bitch of a toy on me while fucking me and then agreed to let me come but he'd hit me every fifteen seconds it took me to get off. I cried almost the whole time. Partially from the pain, partially from some emotional things I'd been dealing with, partially for the sheer joy at feeling miserable. I took all my sorrow, all my hurt and let it out, let it rage.

After the scene ended and cuddles were had, I felt calm. I didn't have the urge to pick a fight, to engage in confrontation, to read something that will give me nightmares. The beast was fed, even if temporarily.

I know I could have gone deeper into that space; I know one day I will. L has asked me to write out the story of what kind of scene he and I might have that incorporates that. I'm very much looking forward to sharing that with him. We've played with it a little, and I know he's scared of harming me emotionally. But to let all my hurt out and know my husband is holding me at the end feels like...ok, fine, it feels like the best ice cream flavor ever. I know that the possible damage and fallout for doing this kind of scene with L is so much greater because he is my primary, and it means the world to me that he wants to be safe and careful.

I'm learning that part of being careful is knowing when to stop. Excessive emotional masochism seems like self-injury – physically and emotionally unhealthy. The growling of the beast drowns out my brain, demands more misery, more horror, more sadness. It says it's so easy to sink into a downward spiral of misery. “Come down,” it says, seducing me. “You are comfortable here. You are safe. It is all about you. Cry for me, and your tears will be so sweet.”

And I have to tell it no. Like a dog jumping on the forbidden couch, I look for the strength to push the beast off and say, “You'll get attention again. But you've had enough for now.”

RHS

Markers of Success (Smell Like Strawberry)

2011-10-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

Poly rarely comes with an end goal. I do not plan to move in with my partners, marry my them, have kids with them. My approach for most of my life was to date people to see if I might want to marry them. I found L and we got married.

Then I met a girl. A short, cute little bundle of bunnylicious energy. And I wanted things I'd never wanted before. Ultimately, things didn't work out, though we're still close friends. But in that relationship, I still imagined "forever." I had a traditional view of relationships. I wanted our families to live next door to each other and spend the rest of our lives together.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn with poly is that relationships will end.

They might grow, change or evolve. They might leave your life; you might leave theirs. But what I've been struggling with is if a relationship is going to end, why bother at all? What makes a relationship worth having? What makes it a success?

So, I sat down – with the help of some ice cream, naturally – to figure out what makes a relationship a success:

I need to feel loved, secure, important, wanted, and special. Having those components gives me the safety to emotionally invest in something that, in all likelihood, will end. Whether it ends well or badly, I need that security or I can't invest.

I need to make a positive difference in their lives. Maybe I make them feel shiny and wanted. Maybe I help them get better at communication. Maybe I help them learn about themselves. I want to know that years later, I affected them positively.

I need them to make a positive difference in my life. Maybe it's encouraging me to be healthier. Maybe it's discouraging blanket gender stereotypes. Maybe it's embracing my edgier kinks. I want them to know they're making me a better person.

Good memories and experiences. I don't want to look back and feel like there was a dearth of positive energy, laughing, and fantastic moments.

I. Need. Sexytime. I identify as a slut for a reason, people. I want sexytime that makes me grow and change and discover new things that make me go, "holy cow, that's really freakin' hot!" Sometimes I want to feel full and satisfied...and sometimes aching for more...I want to feel that hot rush of sexy.

It's hard to break out of my traditional view of relationships. It's going to take some time. I hope that when I do that, I'll be able to deal better with the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that come from "that's mine." So figuring out how to redefine success is a start. I think my next step is to work on enjoying relationships for the present and near-future. It won't be easy. How do you invest in something that will end?

RHS

e[lust] #30

2011-10-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Emmy @ Right Turn Without Signaling

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you�re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you�re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #31? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ This Week�s Top Three Posts ~
Crotch Topiary & Other Delights - I admit I started simple, I realised my teenage dream of having a Winona-inspired heart emblazoned on my mound. It was perfect. I used Contact paper to design my heart and just went to town pulling out every hair that was not covered.
In Defense of Exclusion - Sometimes it's nice to be with people who are like you. It's nice to be around people who get your kink, your fetish - to be somewhere that you don't have to explain it to.
The Boy At Summer Camp - It started with an email with the subject line �butch at your service,� and an offer for a blow job. And I thought, hm. Well, you know, I do like those. But I�m not usually attracted to boys.
~ e[lust] Editress ~
Ask Lilly: "My sex toy stinks - what should I do?" - Would you put it in your mouth with that smell? Would you gag from the smell and taste? If yes, then why the hell put it in your vagina or ass??
~ Featured Post (Lilly�s Pick) ~
A Day At The Circus
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the �read more�� tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Erotic Writing
A Long Hot Weekend
A night time walk
A Summer Honeymoon
Blithely Sauntering
Cleaning Up
Cigar
Dreamweaver
Ep 2: One Last Time
Full Frontal Nerdity
Get ready for take off...
Hear this
Let's Play a Game
Le Glamour, the best swing club experience ever
Perspective
Patience for What She Wants
The Cane
The Car Wash
what makes you happy?
Kink & Fetish
A First Ever Punishment
crunk
Having Respect for Dominants
One Year. Today
Spider silk
Those inside-out, head-exploding orgasms
To Munch Or Not To Munch?
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
assplay and me...
Comparisons
Here Comes The Bride
Lover as Chameleon � Flexible Sexual Kinkery
Must we all get along?
Not all conclusions are easy to come by
Non-Monogamy and Starbucks
The (Female) Phenomenon of Emotional Masochism
Why I Love Sex (In That 70's Show)
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Internet Drag
Selling Used Socks on eBay for Extra Money
Sex in Sin City (Yes I had me some...)
The Curses of the Scarlet Woman
Things I Looove Thursday

Come Out, Come Out...

2011-10-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

Today is National Coming Out Day! All around the country, I hope men and women everywhere are able to proudly voice who they are and who they love.

But today, I struggle. How do you come out when you don't know what you're coming out as?

In action, it's easy to explain: I have been attracted to, dated, loved, and had sex with men as well as women. Most of my life, I dated men, while being attracted to women and not understanding what that meant. Then I got married. I started dating women, started dating men, and stayed married. My relationship label is easy; I'm polyamorous, meaning I believe in designing relationships that work for me and the ability to have multiple committed relationships.

But putting a sexual orientation label on myself is hard. I am not straight. I am not a lesbian. I fall somewhere in that murky in-between. In a purely binary spectrum, I fall under "bisexual." But many of the connotations of that word - "bar-sexual," "trendy," "confused," and "fence-sitter" don't often sit well with me.

I feel fortunate to be part of a community with about a gazillion names for orientation - I could be straight, lesbian, questioning, bisexual, heteroflexible, pansexual, queer, sapiosexual. And yet I still haven't found the label that so eloquently sums up a sexual identity for me.

Some have political connotations that don't feel right for me. Some deal more with gender performance than with gender as biological sex. Some just don't feel right.

So today, I come out not with a label, but with an action. After all, it is Coming Out Day, not Labeling Myself Day.

"Hi. I like boys. I like girls. I am a...sexual."

RHS

Temper Tantrum

2011-10-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've talked before about being an emotional masochist; for the TL;DR crowd: there's something satisfying about feeling bad, about being sad or depressed or down.

At a recent kink convention, one of the presenters identified as an emotional masochist. I hadn't met very many, and I desperately wished she was teaching her class on the subject. (The dual classes of fear play and rape play were pretty damn awesome, though.) I've been doing a lot of thinking on using kink as a therapeutic way to get what my mind/body wants, a way to get what I need in a healthy, safe space.

I was explaining to L that I wanted to do more scenes where he hurt me for the sake of hurting me. I wanted to have a relationship-sanctioned temper tantrum. I wanted, with certain types of pain, to be able to protest, to pout, to cry.

It's cathartic to go to a place where you take the "bad things" that are happening to you and you grow them. While the pain is being inflicted upon me, I add in all the things that are stressing me, that I don't like, that I'm frustrated about, that I hate, that piss me off, and I roll it all into a big mass of hurt and I wallow. I cry and kick and pout and scream and rage and get to express all of those feelings in an emotionally safe environment. Then I go to sleep, and wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, and cleansed.

I've been doing lots of work on noticing when my needs are pushing their way to the front of my attention. I can tell when I need little time, when I need bitch goddess time, when I need sexytime (all the time!). Lately I've been noticing a tendency toward wallowing. I find it tough to focus on the good. The pull to dive deep into the swirl of depression grabs my neck and seduces me, caresses me skin and whispers how good it feels to see the world through dark-colored glasses. It becomes hard to make the right choice between depression and optimism.

I feel like if I'm able to set up scenes where I have permission to wallow and feel bad, I'm less likely to seek it out in other areas and other times of my life. Like clearing out the clutter in front of your bedroom window, I'll be able to look outside and see the sun shining through.

RHS

In Defense of Exclusion

2011-09-29T17:35:00.001-07:00

I'm going to throw an ice cream fetishist party. It's only going to be for hardcore dairy aficionados. The lactose-intolerant need not apply. Aren't a fan of cones? Don't show up. Not into sprinkles? Get the hell out. Fro-yo lovers? What. The. Fuck.

Because I'm pro-exclusion. I know, I know. We should be inclusive, with parties where Gorean masters, queer needle tops, kitties and littles can all come together and celebrate the uniqueness and diversity of the scene. We should love our spankos and pyros and blood players and rope sluts and all play together in a supersexy pansexual environment.

Right.

That's a great vision. Truly. And I think we should aim to have parties, munches, events and conventions with as many types of kinksters as possible. But you know what? Sometimes it's nice to be with people who are like you. It's nice to be around people who get your kink, your fetish - to be somewhere that you don't have to explain it to.

I was talking to a puppy girl a while ago about an upcoming puppy event. I asked if littles could come and play with the puppies because, hello? Puppies! She said it was possible that a littles presence might detract from the goal of the event, that it might change the vibe. And she may well be right.

I have heard the arguments for and against TNG groups, women-only groups, queer groups. And I still come down on the side of providing events restricted to certain groups where everyone present feels welcomed and validated, where knowledge can be shared, where you can create an atmosphere that can be pumped full of hot sexy energy and everyone can celebrate the unique energy that is puppy/kitty/blood/rope/ice cream.

One presenter at a recent kink convention I attended said that the emotional well-being of people in the dungeon is not her responsibility. I disagree to a certain extent, and feel strongly that there can be situations where the presence of someone who so clearly doesn't belong can hurt the energy of what's being created. I want some safe spaces where people don't look at me funny, where people understand. As a little, I've met plenty of people who are more than a little creeped out by age play. When I go in littlespace, the last thing I want is disapproving adults making me feel like I've done something wrong for wanting to color and play My Little Pony.

I will not be invited to gay leather puppy events, and that's fantastic. I do not feel excluded. I want them to have hot sexy gay leather puppy energy and feel united in their puppiness. I don't want to make them feel weird, self-conscious, or overly voyeured. Their event is not supposed to make ME feel welcome.

The goal is not to create walls, but homes with many rooms with many doors. It's a wonderful experience to have a big party, to gather in the living room and drink and play games and talk. But sometimes, I want to go into a bedroom with closer friends and feel the energy that comes from an intimate encounter with people like me.

RHS

How to Be a Man

2011-09-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to be a man. So I'm watching lots of porn, burping, spitting, watching wrestling, drinking beer...kidding! That'd be gender-normative, and that's wrong.

But I'm trying to find my inner dominant. It started when L asked me to work on being more assertive and going after the things I want. We had this hot gender-bending sexytime, and I've spent a lot of time giving serious thought to what it means to be dominant, and what that looks like to me.

And it looks like a man. Call it gender-normative, call it stereotyping, but my inner dominant might be a male. At least, in the beginning. And I can hear some of you out there yelling, “Why are you blanketly associating assertiveness and dominance with masculinity? It does a disservice to all genders!”

Deal. This isn’t about politics and progressive-minded whatevers. This is about finding and developing another persona, and this is the start of my journey. I want to find my male side the same way other females find their boy/boi side. I’m talking about finding and tapping into what I conceptualize as masculine energy: power, control, assertiveness. The penis is incidental. If you’re still offended, write me a 3-page letter or go get some ice cream. (You’ll feel better after one of those, I promise.)

Whew. Ok. Back to the task at hand – starting to figure out what my inner man looks like. I know what I want him to look like: direct, suave, in control, goes after what he wants. Looks damn good in a suit.

Oh my god. My inner dominant is Don Draper from “Mad Men.”

Well, maybe absent the constant drinking, smoking and womanizing. (Ok, we'll keep the womanizing.) It makes sense – a lot of my kinks have been influenced by the television, movies, books and popular culture I take in. So my next task is to think of figures in pop culture, cis-gendered male or not, that I consider ‘masculine’ and figure out what yumminess about them I want.

It's really just an excuse to re-watch “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

RHS

All Broken Up

2011-09-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

I don't really talk about break-ups on my blog. Relationships end. Sometimes things don't work out, sometimes things need to change. For me, those times are more private and I feel strongly about respecting that. That's why I show my entries featuring partners to them before I post; otherwise it feels like talking about them behind their back...but in an incredibly public way.

But I'm ignoring all that today.

Because the partner in question can't respond. A few weeks ago, I ran into the friend of an ex-boyfriend. After a few minutes of small talk, eventually the topic of the ex came up.

"Did you hear what happened to Peter?"
"Uh, no. We didn't stay in touch. He kept sending me threatening text messages."
"Oh. Well, he won't send you those anymore."

On November 29, 2010, one of my ex-partners died. I don't know how. There were things about him I liked, and so many more things I didn't. He taught me about what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship. For better or worse, he affected my life. I've spent the past few weeks avoiding thinking about how his death made me feel: too many other things to deal with. But now it's time to process and put away my feelings.

I spent eight months dating this man, this passive-aggressive, paranoid, former meth addict alcoholic. After a bender, he vomited in my courtyard. He introduced me to Doctor Who, Long Island Iced Teas, and to Dozens, a breakfast place in Aurora. One morning, he woke up still drunk, disoriented and not sure who I was. He was silly and cheerful, with an adventurous spirit - the opposite of the more serious partners I'd had in the past. He pressured me for sex. We watched Battlestar Galactica together, bonding in our geekiness. He frequently accused me of future infidelity with L, who was only a friend at the time.

We broke up when he said he felt like he couldn't make me happy and we should take some time apart. He spent that week missing me horribly. I spent that week realizing that was the happiest I'd been in eight months. He wanted to get back together. I told him there was no way. He sent me passive aggressive text messages and left random objects by my car. He behaved erratically, then insisted he was just being goofy. I ignored his calls, his texts, hoping he would get the message.

One night, after getting married to L and moving, I received a text from him: "It's like we never see each other anymore." I realized how easy it would be for him to find me, find my work, follow me home. The night I got that text, L was gone and in a fit of freaked-out fear, I spent the night watching TV in the upstairs bedroom with a butcher's knife next to me. (I've seen movies on Lifetime, people!)

Like our relationship, his death leaves me with mixed emotions. I'm sad for his parents and those who loved him. I was glad when he left my life, but I hope he found some measure of peace and happiness before he died.

RHS

Winging It

2011-09-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I became a dark, pervy angel.

It started when a local pro-domme asked me if I knew anyone that might be a needle bottom demo for an upcoming fetish ball. Lady Inanna (she's as sexy as her name sounds and more) described the scene: about sixteen needles in the back with feathers attached to them.

It sounded really cool. Not being a needle bottom or a badass, though, I decided it wasn't for me and suggested a few people.

But the image stayed with me. Haunting me. It could be so cool! I'd be a slut with wings! So later that night, I asked if I could volunteer myself. We did a test run with just needles to make sure I could handle it (I got all endorphin-high!), and when the event came around I had this strange mix of excitement and calm.

For those of you who don't really play with needles, there are a lot of different motivations. Other than Foxy's husband giving me a needle experience a few years ago and the vein tap, my needle experience is limited to giving blood at the doctor's office. So this was really unlike anything else I’d experienced.

I found that I loved the endorphin rush and this sexy-sharp-clean feeling, like fangs sinking into me. And being made into something pretty (the feathers were black and red AND had crystals glued on!) made me feel all objectified and sexy. I kept the wings in for a while – an hour? More? - and kept Seven close by to make sure I didn't hurt myself, or wander off with the endorphins. I wanted to keep the wings on as long as possible, but eventually the needles started to hurt and I knew they should come out. But I was still sad...it felt like taking off a pretty dress or sexy pants. Like Cinderella transforming back into a servant, the removal of the wings was like a fall back to earth, back to the mundane. Fortunately, I'd asked Seven for “balloon aftercare” - I went to a place where I was like a balloon on a string, happy to wander and bob along (but don't let go!).

It was a pretty amazing experience, and I want to play more with needles and objectification. I want to try a needle corset, and probably a ton of other things that have never occurred to me. I want to be dressed up in needles and ribbon and feathers to become a human garden, an art sculpture, a beautiful object.

It's a difficult experience to talk about in words. Trying to explain what it feels like to be transformed into something fantastical and unearthly, to become something beautiful and strange leaves me feeling like my words are not enough.

So here's 1,000 of them.

RHS

Day 30: Let It End

2011-09-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Seriously? This is the last day of 30 Days of Kink and it's just...whatever?

Fine. I'll do an obligatory overview of the experience of writing in the 30 Days project. Like a video montage...but with words.

I found out about the project through Evey. She discovered it through her vast network of sex bloggers and it sounded interesting. I began on January 1 – yes, more than 30 days ago. I had no intention of posting every day. Who has time to read all that? But I was excited about the project, since I had just started the blog three months prior and knew there'd be times I wouldn't know what to write about.

EVERY post can't be about ice cream, after all.

Now, looking back, I feel an incredible sense of accomplishment at finishing. I'm not a very competitive person and don't tend to be all “I have to finish this!” So while part of me is sad it's ending, I'm also quite proud. I've been able to use the project to learn more about myself and give serious thought to different aspects of my kink life.

So, would I recommend other people do this? Hells to the yes. (Did I just say that? I blame Seven.) I think this project is good for people, regardless of their experience level with kink. Being forced to think about how and why you like things is a good exercise. Introspection is good for the soul. And strangely, for the spleen. It's good for people who want to get better at writing: practice makes perfect.

So, what did I learn in these 8 months?

1. TL;DR. It's a good lesson.
2. I heart making clever blog entry titles.
3. I don't like answering Obvious Question with an Obvious Answer.
4. The questions often correspond to things I'm already thinking about.
5. I will reference ice cream at the drop of a hat.
6. I really enjoy sharing thoughts with people. Hopefully in an easy-to-read and funny way.

I hope you have all enjoyed reading the 30 Days of Kink project. I now have to decide what 30 Days to embark on next: 30 Days of Drink (alcoholic recipes), 30 Days of Ink (calligraphy lessons), or 30 Days of Pink (odes to vaginas).

RHS

e[lust] 29

2011-09-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Evidence To The Contrary - If anyone out there ever tries to tell you that internet relationships and friendships are not real, point them in my direction and I will happily set them straight on the matter because I have proof, in fact I am proof, that they know not what they speak of.

Open Marriages Don't Work....- The only way I would agree with that statement is if you add: .....if you're marriage already has problems. But even that part is not universally true.

Love in the Age of Broadband - What happened to our ability to keep it casual? Why would we attach ourselves to someone who is (often) hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away? And, more to the point, why would we attach ourselves to someone we have never met?

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ask Lilly – Open and Polyamorous: Why be married at all?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

My apologies, everyone, since submissions closed I've been 100% consumed with personal family tragedy (the flooding in Central PA) so I didn't have time to read most of the entries this time or find a photo. The html code might contain a lot of blank lines for some of you, I didn't have time to "clean" it up, either, just throw up what I have.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Ask Aunty Dee: Dental Dams
born this way...
Clit Truth
Condoms and Size
Lies & Infidelities
Misguided Dominance
Poly Language
Return to Decadence
Step Inside My Head
Who was the first person you told..
When Bad Things Happen To Good People – Warning Bells

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

To Be Out Or Not To Be Out
Want Sado-Erotic Horror Movies? Yes please! Films by Matthew Saliba
What I've Learned From E[Lust]

Kink & Fetish

A Much Needed Distraction
Another drink?
Caged
Facing Fear
Negotiation Win

Erotic Writing

As Long As It Lasts
Asking For It
Anticipation
Blow Job
Campfire
Debra's Gift
Feral
Fantasy
June’s Caning
Please, Please, Please, Sir
Showers and Strawberries
slick
The Visitor
The Play Fight

Day 29: Entitled

2011-09-05T18:10:00.001-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I am Mistress Fire-and-Ice-Cream, Lady of the Chocolate Milkshake, Empress of Sprinkles, the Dairy Queen...

...except, not really. (Yet!)

I have different titles for different partners. To Evey, sometimes I am Headmistress Slutty. To L, sometimes I am Slut. For Seven, sometimes I am Goddess. For Foxy, sometimes I am Miss. I have been Princess and Toy.

Like wearing that sexy vinyl dress, titles can help me transform my headspace. They help me access that part of myself when role-playing. They help me get to that space on those days I'm struggling to get to where I want to be. They give people clues to my personality, kinks and interests.

Obviously, some people get carried away with titles. (Lord Master Thundergod, Emperor of All Things BDSM, is kind of a douche.) And titles mean different things to different people. There are some people for whom the title of “Master” or “Mistress” is an honorific used only by their partners; other people expect their titles to be used by everyone. There are some people who reject titles, either because they are uncomfortable with them, don't need them, or want to communicate a level of humility. There are some people for whom their title is intrinsic to their identity. Not all titles are for the top; there are pigs and puppies and babies and littles.

My titles have all happened organically and largely spontaneously, yet they make sense in each relationship dynamic. They work with not only aspects of my personality, but with my partner's personality, as well. It's a blend, a dance of energies – rather than something I'm forcing upon the person.

The way I look at titles – the serious ones, anyway – is as a standard. Something to live up to. Titles do not create a sense of entitlement (I deserve this because I am a Goddess), but rather something to strive toward (I am a Goddess because I continue to be strong).

And one day, I will deserve to be called Mistress Fire-and-Ice-Cream. Or Mistress Fried-Ice-Cream. I haven't decided which.

RHS

Whipped Topping

2011-08-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Early on in the blog, I wrote about my different styles of topping. For those of you with ADD, those were The Tease (sexual tormentor), The Little Princess (an 8-year-old with absolute power), and Mean Girl (sadist).

Almost a year later, there's been growth and change and all that kind of good stuff. People keep letting me do stuff to them, and I keep figuring out what I like! (It's win-win.)

The Tease
I very much still have this persona; I love using sexuality as a weapon. I've talked about my fetish for tease and denial. I've also come to embrace my kink for nonconsensual arousal. There's something sublimely sexy and empowering about tying someone up and turning them on with no promises of fulfillment. There's a sweet torment in wanting but not having.

Goddess
This persona has been super fun to develop. It started with a co-topping scene with Seven and another girl. The other girl was new to topping and wanted to be called Princess. Two Princesses would be confusing, so I said, “uh, call me Goddess?” And it stuck. Since then, Seven and I have developed a play and romantic relationship and one of the spaces is this Goddess space. I get to be this capricious Goddess with a sexy little toy (Seven) who is my plaything, servant and worshipper. I can be mean and do whatever I want! It's kind of an evolution of the Little Princess – which reminds me, I need to set up a “Pin the Tail on Seven” scene.

Bitch Sadist
The Mean Girl has grown up to become The Bitch. I am merciless. I am cruel. I humiliate and degrade. I use my most vicious toys and delight in the bottom's suffering. I'm incredibly fortunate to have several masochists at my disposal to inflict cruelty and pain upon. The offering up of their bodies to the flick of a dragon's tail, to the stingy meanness of Mr. Loop, is a gift I'm blessed to receive.

General, All-Purpose Top
I like doing things to people. It doesn't always have to be mean or sensual or whimsical – sometimes I just enjoy being the Kindergarten Teacher to a new kinkster, or giving someone wax play who could really use a relaxing scene.

Part-Time Dominant to Foxy
This is a new one. We've been playing with D/s dynamics for a few months, but I get skittish. I take submission more seriously than I used to. It's a lot to offer someone control of you. What gives me the right to tell her what to do? Well...she's given me that right. She's saying that she trusts me to make decisions when she can't, to take control when her anxiety spirals down, to tell her to make tea and go to sleep when she needs to. I get to take care of her in an “I know best” sort of way (sometimes). The difference between topping and being a dominant for me is dominance exists in both scene and non-scene space. Right now, I see being dominant as controlling her behavior even when we're not having a scene. It exists even if we're not physically together. There's going to be growth and evolution and mistakes and changes with this...but there will also be cool sexy fun empowering awesomeness!

A year ago, I started to top more. I've learned and grown. I'm excited to see where the next year takes me.

RHS

Relationship Ed.

2011-08-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

Seven sent me a sexy blog entry the other day about why the author loves pegging.

And it was super hot.

But as if hot entries about the sexiness of a man's ass weren't enough, she has smart things to say. Like how she wants Relationship Ed in school: teaching things like how to negotiate, communicate, and argue with your partner and how to identify a destructive relationship.

I'm glad schools teach Sex Ed, even if they do make an awful mess of it; knowing how your sexy parts work, what risks sex carries, and how to use contraception are important life skills. They're skills the kids may need right away, or may not need until they're married, but either way, they're safer and better prepared.

But one of the things I'm realizing lately is that for all the drama and angst and danger it can entail, sex is easy. Love is hard. So here's a message I wish kids got:

"Our society sends a lot of confusing messages about love, and you may feel pressured to fall in love. And that's a natural urge; it's okay. But you have to be careful. Make sure you're ready for love. Make sure you're doing it with the right person, and for the right reasons. And above all else, make sure you're being safe."

Of course, I would never advocate abstinence-only Relationship Ed...

Check out more from The Pervocracy.

Day 28: Going Into the Closet

2011-08-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

One of the monthly play parties I love going to has an “anything but clothes” theme for next time. I told friends that that's the one party that I should be fully covered, since I tend to get naked easy and quick. Despite my often-quick jump to jaybird status, I love planning and executing what I'll wear. I mean, costumes! They're awesome! I love dressing up. I love it hard. I love it like there's no tomorrow. I love it all night long like...

...ok, you get the point.

I've mentioned my love of kink and fetishwear before. I've amassed a nice collection of costumes, ranging from French maid to Playboy bunny to mean nurse (and good nurse) to Little Red Riding Hood to teacher to sexy ice cream scoop girl.

I have all these outfits for good reason: a lot of play parties locally are themed: from pirates to trailer trash to ice cream. (Ok, there haven't been an ice cream-themed party...yet.) I love participating in the theme. But beyond that, costumes transform me, shape me, get me into the headspace I'm looking for, helps me set the scene.

My red and black latex dress makes me feel like a cruel, badass top. My fairy wings make me feel flighty and giggly and easily distracted. My Goddess outfits are sexy but easy to wear: I feel like a capricious, powerful being that could be lounging around being fed grapes. My costumes change my headspace and vary widely in the mood they create. They even change depending on the accessories: my Stepford Wife dress makes me feel service-y when I'm barefoot, and like a powerful businessman's wife ordering the help around when wearing heels.

A lot of people buy into the porn/mainstream media image of BDSM: leather, vinyl, latex, black eyeliner and fishnets. And don't get me wrong – I have all of that in my closet. But what I love about the themed parties is they allow people to express their kink outside of the traditional BDSM box. There's a recurring genderfuck-themed party here locally – where you play with gender and your appearance – and often I'll see people who don't come to many other events. So while traditional BDSM-wear has a beautiful, wonderful place in my closet, I still make room for all the other ways that I express my kinktuality* - whether it's a mermaid, superhero or goth princess.

RHS

*Kinktuality. It's like your sexuality, but with kink. It's gonna catch on.

I Want Ice Cream

2011-08-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

I was talking with Agent Awesome the other day – he was writing a profile for Adult Friend Finder and wanted to me to help him with it. At first, I thought he wanted to know what kinds of kinks he should list as being curious about. Turns out I misunderstood and he was looking for a way to phrase that he wanted to expand his sexual horizons. But the seed was planted, and I got to thinking – how does one start in the scene? We see a lot of new folks who are sometimes never heard from again. Were they overwhelmed? Did they see this gigantic ice cream store of kink and, flustered by the dizzying array of flavors, toppings, malts, shakes, cone-or-cup, back away slowly and head somewhere with less choices to make?

Because, seriously, when you're unsure, how do you figure out what you want? Some people identified early on as a dominant, having a “slave heart,” or a sadomasochist. But not all of us were that lucky. I'd talked before about how when L and I first got into the public scene, our roles and ways we played started influencing our scenes and power dynamics. Looking back, we had no roadmap. No GPS. We didn't know anyone then who could model what we wanted. (To be fair, we're still evolving and changing as we figure out what we want.)

But I feel like I should be...
Just because everyone in front of you picked a chocolate-based flavor with sprinkles in a cone doesn't mean you can't have half pistachio, half peppermint with almonds sprinkled liberally on top. Because it's YOUR fucking ice cream. So wipe “you should be...”from your brain. Oh, use other people's experiences, choices and lifestyles to help figure out what you want. But just because you're a girl doesn't mean you're a slave. Just because you like bottoming doesn't mean you love floggers. The traditional heteronormative, impact-play-based set-up of BDSM culture may not be for you. (Also, if you don't love the smell of leather, that's okay, too.)

I have to choose?
So, you have all these choices, but you don't really know where to start. Do you learn how to flog first? What about rope? And shouldn't you buy an expensive cane? Because I believe ice cream can teach us a lot about life – it's about sampling. So smile big at that guy behind the counter and dig in. Get a sample of everything, if your heart desires. Most communities have players who have become well-known in a specific areas: rope tops, needle tops, sensation players, masochist bottoms...start asking around. Ask a couple of people who they'd recommend to light you on fire. If you ask enough people, a few names will probably start popping up over and over again. Whether you top, bottom or switch, someone out there can help walk you through what you're looking for.

Whoa, whoa...I still don't know what FLAVOR to start with!
Boy, you're kind of indecisive, aren't you? Fine. Start with your fantasies, the movies you watched, the books you read. What stands out? Were there certain scenes in “Buffy: the Vampire Slayer” that gave you funny feelings down below? Maybe there was this one erotic story you read many years ago and now you have the desire to be violated but made to like it. Think about things that have stuck with you through the years.

But sharing that kind of stuff is kind of personal...
You don't have to go into your darkest desires on the first date. Once you've met someone you think you might want to play with, talk to them about what kind of headspaces you enjoy: how you like to feel. Maybe you love being a plaything. Or someone who gets to be bossy and in control. Or useful and pretty. Or challenged. Or strong and protective. What types of emotions make you feel happy and fulfilled?

Kink is like an ice cream store. (Nobody is surprised to hear me say that.) You have an amazing list of possible options, combinations, and utter deliciousness. And sometimes it doesn't always work together. Your strawberry mojito ice cream is fantastic, but your chocolate Guinness tastes best as a malt shake. Not to mention sometimes you feel like peppermint crunch, and sometimes you want triple chocolate decadence.

So grab a sample spoon...because amazingly, kink is (often) 100% calorie-free.

RHS

Private Parts

2011-08-09T17:11:00.001-07:00

How do you maintain sexual privacy in poly relationships?

I started thinking about sexual privacy after a conversation with Foxy where she’s mentioned several people she might want to date. I want her to be happy and fulfilled, but I also need to know what’s going on with any of my partners’ relationship status. I hate feeling like I don’t know what’s going on with my own partners; it’s a trigger and it’s a dealbreaker if I’m kept in the dark.

When I talked to her about this, she wasn’t sure how much information I wanted her to share. She thought I meant “give me details about your sex life.” I assured her that unless she wanted to share those details, all I wanted was to feel in the loop if relationships change.

Sexual privacy can be difficult with poly relationships. You have to let partners know if they’re going to be exposed to an STD, if you’re having unprotected sex with someone who hasn’t been tested recently, or anything else that might risk your partners’ health. But figuring out the lines that you’re comfortable with – how much information to share – can be tricky.

I acknowledge that when it comes down to it, there are multiple people in my marriage. Husband. Girlfriend. Boyfriend. Confidante. Friends. Family. But my marital bed is not crowded. There are only two people in there: L and me.

As a poly couple, L and I are constructing relationships that work for us and meet our needs. We’re going to discover rules we didn’t know we had. We’re going to have fights over issues that come up. We’re going to have to discard some of what we’ve been taught for years about marriage and society. And a hot-button issue – of course – is sex.

Sexual privacy is important to us. The way that L and I work, polywise, is we keep each other posted on the sexual status of our relationships. That doesn’t mean painting a picture or giving a lot of details, but letting each other know how far the relationship has progressed. We’re not really comfortable telling each other stories about our poly sexual exploits with other people…and certainly not when we’re having our own sexual exploits. (That’s like a non-consensual threesome!)

Someone close to me recently dealt with that situation: the partner was sharing sexual details with her primary that my friend wasn’t comfortable with. It felt like a betrayal of private details, and felt like what my friend shared with her partner was being used as fodder for sexual expression in another relationship. The relationship had to end because my friend’s desire for privacy wasn’t being respected.

For one, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy. “You can’t get off unless I talk about what someone else is doing to you?” For another, it’s not fair to our partners. They haven’t consented to being used as a sexual fantasy. If L and I got each other off while looking at provocative pictures of a porn star, that’s one thing. That’s her job. She has consented to her picture being made available for sexual fulfillment purposes. But a provocative picture of Foxy? Or Seven? I’d feel more than a little uncomfortable if I was an invisible third in a couple’s sex life…especially if they didn’t ask me if it was okay.

It’s easy for lines to seem blurred when you have multiple partners. It’s easy to not know the rules or to stumble across a line. Above all, poly takes a self-awareness of what you want, need, and what you’re okay with – and respect for your partner’s wants, needs and dealbreakers. Even if I wanted to know all the details, I have to respect if a partner doesn’t want them shared, or if they don’t want to hear about another partner from me.

For some couples, that’s how they bond with each other, or it makes them feel more connected. But the heart of poly is consent. L and I have each other’s consent to have relationships with other people. Not having consent to kiss, to love, to share private details and doing it anyway, then you're not poly…

…you’re just cheating.

RHS

Date...Rape

2011-08-07T13:26:00.001-07:00

So, a while after taking the class on rape play, some girlfriends and I got together to talk about rape. It was a date...rape.

It was an incredibly stimulating conversation and really helped me get a different perspective. I realized that I'd categorized rape play as having heavy resistance and fighting or a “stranger in a back alley” fantasy. While that might do it for a lot of people, it doesn't turn me on. Just grabbing me and throwing me onto the bed might do it sometimes, but I'd get more aroused by the mental aspect and getting inside my head. As we talked, certain ideas and scenarios came out that made say, “Ooohhh...”

Slut-Shaming...But the Sexy Kind
The phrase Foxy used was going to “a passionate place of disregard.” This place where I am not a victim, but a sexy object and a piece of meat, and the aggressor is so turned on that They Must Have Me. They ask, “what're you doing in that outfit? You know what it does to me!” They can't keep their hands off you. Their arousal overrides their better judgement, leading to impromptu blowjobs in restaurants, sex under a blanket in the park. There's a level of sexual objectification that turns me into someone with a job, grocery lists and project meetings to this sexualized being who exists just to be used by the other person.

Power Corrupts (Thankfully)
Power reversal has often hit my “yum” button. Someone in a position of authority abusing their power, or a switch where the oppressed (the schoolgirl, the secretary, the maid) take matters into their own hands and exact revenge against the bad guy (or girl). The stranger in a dark alley fantasy holds little appeal for me now because it lacks meaning. There's no story to hitch the action onto. But with an element of role-playing, there's all sorts of possibilities – plus it makes it easier to transition back to myself. It wasn't L or Seven or Foxy who just did these terrible things to me, it was the principal or the janitor or the sexy, foxy French maid that made me slowly strip and touch myself while they watched, forced to get myself off in a humiliating setting for their own amusement.

You Know You Want It
I've mentioned it before, but this idea of resisting in a “but I'm a good girl” sort of way. Of course I'd never put a cock in my mouth. I'd never jack off two guys at once. I'd never make out with another girl. I'd never put a dildo in my pussy. Being forced to do these terrible (wonderful!) things while being degraded is deliciously arousing. Playing the part of innocent lost, stolen AND being told how much I want my mouth stuffed with cock, how much I seem to be enjoying those fingers inside me, how much of a little slut I am, because look how wet I'm getting – so I must want it, after all.

I'm not oblivious that all of these scenarios embody some part of stereotypical rape justifications: blaming the victim, abuse of power and insisting that the victim wanted it are obviously horrendous justifications in a completely non-consensual act. But as fodder for sexual fantasies and scenes, the taboo becomes sexy and we are able to turn these justifications into a place where the victim is actually empowered by her own sexuality, because ultimately the acts are consensual. I'm continually fascinated by the way kink and BDSM take these stereotypes, these traditions, and turn them on their head to create erotic and transformative experiences for all involved.

RHS

Day 27: Interested Parties

2011-08-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I like baking. This has found it's way into a scene I did with Foxy where her clothes were cut off and she became “batter” to be made into my birthday cake. The batter had to be beaten before it was ready to bake. (If I could do fire play, I would totally use that to “bake” my cake.) Then I invited a bunch of people to help me frost my cake, and then eat it! (Yummy.)

I like costumes and playing dress-up. Aside from the obvious ways that this manifests, eventually I will do a scene where I am the bratty little girl who wants to play dress-up and bullies her male babysitter to dress up with her. “Noo! I wanchu to wear the PURPLE dress and the RED eyeshadow.” Noncompliance will be met by thrown objects and brandished teddy bears. The babysitter knows who he is.

I like ice cream. (Fine...I LOVE ice cream.) I want to do an objectification scene where I am an ice cream sundae / ice cream bowl. I have not yet figured out the logistics, as ice cream melts and slides around. Maybe I need to be in a kiddie pool?

I have a garden in which I grow herbs and flowers. This seems tough to incorporate in a scene...but not impossible. I could make someone be a plant. I could get some stinging nettle. I could find a bunch of ivy to use as bondage. I could have someone stick needles through the bottom and then decorate the needles with flowers.

I like kitties. I like being a kitty. I like cuddling and pets and crawling on the floor. I like trying to grab dangling things. I like laser pointers and things that move fast. I like getting treats and noms. I like ignoring commands. I like marking you with my scent so other kitties know you're mine. I like being exactly in the spot you don't want me to be in.

I like movies where big animals – usually genetically engineered or in some other way unnatural - run around and eat people. See “Jurassic Park” and “Deep Blue Sea.” The scene possibilities for this are endless and amazing and endlessly amazing.

RHS

Little Princess

2011-07-31T22:31:00.001-07:00

L came back from a long trip not that long ago and said he wanted to do more with my little. No, there's not a noun missing at the end of that sentence; my little is the part of me that's an 8-year-old girl who wants to go to the zoo and color pictures and play dress-up.

This is a big step for my husband, who acknowledges my little but is uncomfortable doing much as a caretaker – calling him “Daddy” just plain freaks him out. He doesn't really want kids, and the typical little-girl activities aren't really things L would do, left to his own devices (he's not big on playing with My Little Ponies.) He also struggles with the idea that while I may have a little girl inside me, he sees me as his wife and someone he has sex with. He doesn't have sex with little girls.

So when he said he wanted to do more with that space, I knew I'd have to help him figure out ways we could play this way. So I'd been thinking about what it is about littlespace that I like so much – is it really so important that he take me ice skating or to Build-a-Bear?

I realized it wasn't about what we did as much as that it was that I want to be pampered and spoiled. I want to be taken care of. I want to show him something I made – a picture I colored or earrings I made – and for him to be proud of me. I want to be his little princess.

When L and I first entered the public scene, we identified as switches, but gradually moved into what we felt was a more traditional, heteronormative, man-on-top D/s dynamic. It was influenced by our friends, others in the public scene, things we saw in movies, and our own fantasies. As we grew and changed and experimented, it became more clear that this wasn't the way we saw ourselves.

So I declared L my King. And it fits in so many ways as we're working to conceptualize our changing D/s styles. With me topping more and wanting different ways to bottom, and him exploring his own way to bottom, we've realized that our dynamic is too complex and, well, dynamic to fit into a static box of “dominant” and “submissive.”

So sometimes I am his princess that gets to be taken care of and indulged. Sometimes I am his queen, equal in power and status, each of us having our own toys, servants, slaves. Sometimes I can be the innocent servant girl who gets accosted in the kitchen. Sometimes, on the couch watching TV, we are just us.

I know that who we are will change. Our power dynamic will grow and evolve and will be an exciting journey of self-discovery that may change a hundred more times. But him taking care of me, protecting me, wanting to make me happy and make my life better...that is what defines us.

When L returned from his long trip to the land of ice and snow, I joked that he should bring me back a baby seal. I didn't know he heard me and wanted a way to show me how much he loved me. When he returned, he brought gifts for his little princess...including a stuffed baby seal.

Which he named “Clubby.”

RHS

Asking For It

2011-07-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

I had a rape fantasy the other day. I've been having more of them lately, ever since attending the rape play class at Thunder. This time, L and I had been experimenting with the dimmer switch he added to the Hitachi. He had me hold the Hitachi on my clit as I lay on my back, a position that is a little more difficult for me to get off in.

As I played with the dimmer switch, testing different speeds, my mind started to wander to sexy thoughts. I had this image in my head of a woman with a Hitachi duct-taped to her body. As my brain drifted deeper into sexytime space, the image fleshed itself out – it was a cheerleader (of course) who'd been tied to the teacher's desk. Her teacher, who was also the basketball coach, had duct-taped the Hitachi to her helpless, naked body and said a simple phrase:

“If you come, we will rape you.”

Waiting on the sidelines – naturally – were the members of the basketball team. Hard, eager, horny and waiting. It was such a visceral image: a forced orgasm as permission for rape. In any other context, it would be brutal, unconscionable. It was slut-shaming. It was “she was asking for it.” It was all the reasons rape is excused by society...and maybe that was what made it so wrong, so taboo, and so hot.

The idea of this poor, terrified cheerleader, strapped down and manipulated to orgasm, then raped by not only her teacher, but by willing accomplices, as well?

So I started playing the scene out in my head. The teacher begins playing with her nipples, stroking her thighs. His words are evil and delicious: “They're all watching you, waiting for you to get off. They're thinking about how tight your pussy is, how good it'll feel to shove their cocks into your mouth. They've been thinking about this all week. They've been watching you walk around in your short little skirts, imagining you naked and begging to be fucked.”

“You don't want to be fucked? You keep shaking your head and saying 'no,' but all you have to do is just not come. That's all. Don't have an orgasm, and not a single man here will touch you. I promise, none of us will violate you in any way...as long as you don't come.”

“But you will. And when you do, I'm going to fuck your pussy first. I deserve it, after weeks of watching you bounce around in those tight jeans, leaning over in those low-cut tops. And then, if I don't come in that little pussy of yours, I'm going to fuck your mouth. That sexy mouth that you're always spreading lip gloss on will be wrapped around my dick, sucking hard until I blow my load all over your face.”

“Then the boys will join in. We're going to fuck your pussy and we're going to fuck your mouth. You're going to jerk us off and we're going to come all over your face. We're going to fuck your ass and jerk off between your tits. We're going to violate every hole you have. At one point, you will have a cock in every place you could imagine.”

“Your pussy keeps getting wetter. We both know you want it. You're just delaying the inevitable. You're going to come because you can't stop yourself. And the second you do, you're going to be filled with cock.”

Her arousal will override her fear, she will be overtaken by the sensation of the Hitachi and by the impending scenario. Against her will, an orgasm rips through her body, causing her to scream and buck and writhe. In an instant, the duct tape is ripped from her skin and the teacher moves his face inches from hers.

He reaches for his zipper...and smiles.

RHS

You're Not Invited

2011-07-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

The line between public play and private play in a public setting is easily blurred. Imagine two awesome yummyhotsexy scenes:

I tie Foxy to a table and cut off her clothes. After doing some impact play, I go around the room and tap people on the shoulder, asking them if they'd like to help me celebrate my birthday by decorating my birthday cake. I gather my friends and give them cups of frosting and we gleefully decorate the beautiful, luscious cake. (And then we get to eat it!)

I bend Seven over a table. I warm him up with a few paddle strokes, then switch to a more intense toy. I'm feeling sassy and mean, so I call out to the room: "Hey, anyone, I need a trivia question!" Someone calls out, "How many moons does Jupiter have?" If Seven gets it wrong, he gets hit that many times. (The answer is at least 63 moons. Poor Seven.)

The difference between these two scenes? Invitation.

Invitation is how people know if they're allowed to join in. With traditional BDSM scenes, like a flogging, it's safe to assume that while it's ok to watch, you're not welcome to grab a toy and go to town. But many of us in the scene are exhibitionists and some of us enjoy a level of audience participation. Some of us have partners that we want to include in the scene for a short time.

It's easy to see someone doing an objectification scene, or a playful punishment scene, and know when it's ok to participate and when it's not. I've done scenes where people have essentially come in and out of the scene to participate. So how do you know when you're invited?

I propose a scene-wide, super-easy rule of thumb:

If the person is addressing the room in general or if the food platter is set up in a common area, chances are you're allowed to participate. If you haven't been personally invited, respect the people involved in the scene.

And when in doubt, try asking the top. It's as easy as "Do you mind...?"

RHS

Kindergarten Teacher of Kink

2011-07-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

If I lived in the Old West, I would either be the schoolmarm, or the whore they sent virgins to.

Possibly both.

Because I like new people. Their shiny, new-person smell aside, I really enjoy playing with people who are new to the scene or new to a specific type of play. I've popped a few cherries and I like being a safe space where people can learn, grow and explore kink. While I tend to prefer topping new people, I recently got the chance to pop someone's top cherry.

At a recent kink convention, I got to be that safe space for lee, one of my good friends who was curious about topping. While lee identifies primarily as a bottom (and by “bottom," I mean “badass masochist”), she'd started to get curious about topping.

The scene itself was simple but intense. It involved bruise poking, vocal repetition and me sitting on a chair that she occasionally tilted off-balance. It seems simple, but actually affected me more than I realized and I crashing a little later in the night. But what was really special was getting to share in this first experience with her in a safe and empowering way.

I like helping people on their journey. Beyond kink, I'm getting to be there with Seven as he explores his first polyamorous relationship. I get to be a safe and stable partner as he figures out what being a second partner looks like, what he wants out of poly, communication, jealousy, all of those things that come from having multiple committed relationships.

I joke about taking people by the hand as if it's the first day of kindergarten. I welcome them in a soft, soothing voice. I'm happy they're here; there's so many exciting things for them to discover. It feeds into the nurturing part of me where I get to create a safe space for learning.

Don't get me wrong, Miss RHS who's so generous with the fingerpaints will also stick your ass in the corner if you get out of line. And in my kindergarten, you better believe that corporal punishment is allowed. Just because I create a safe space doesn't mean I won't beat the fuck out of you. Especially if you want it.

And sometimes just because I want to.

RHS

Day 26: CyberKink

2011-07-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

If people like it, they should do it? This seems like a trick question...

I've had cybersex. I've had phone sex. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Does it work as a substitute when your partner(s) isn't nearby? Sure!

The advice I would give to people who are curious about online BDSM play is the same advice I'd give to virgins considering cybersex. It's fine to use it to figure it out or play around with it, but don't confuse it for the real thing. That cyberwhipping you took may be super hot – but that doesn't mean you're into singletails. The physical aspect is lost when there's no physical toys.

I will say that engaging in dominance and submission and mental BDSM online may be easier, like requiring the submissive to send a “good morning” message every day. That said, it's still not as real as, you know, real life. (I say this having done both real and online kink.)

Not to mention that it can be an addiction, that it can prevent someone from actively interacting with people in the community, that it can lead to abusive relationships, there's a greater risk for attracting unsavory characters...

...and I'm sure there are people who have led perfectly healthy, normal lives that regularly engage in online BDSM.

So if you're out there, feel free to comment.

RHS

Day 25: Rape Me

2011-07-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

How open are you about your kinks?

I really like how the 30 Days of Kink questions often coincide with something that's on my mind. Sometimes it's hard to be open with your friends or family about your kinks. Sometimes it's even hard to be open with the kink community. And sometimes it's even harder to be open and honest with yourself.

It's hard for me to be open with myself about being curious about rape play.

I know lots of women have rape fantasies. Compared to dripping your blood in your partner's mouth while fucking them, rape play is practically pedestrian. And being the perpetrator (I can't yet bring myself to self-identify as a rapist) seems easier to me, especially when it's so clear that the “victim” wants it.

But as a victim, it's fucking scary. It used to be a hard limit. I could make the distinction between domestic violence (bad) and caning (good), but rape play scared me in a way that I've only recently worked on conquering.

I've blogged about rape play in the past, but haven't felt safe enough yet to explore it more. Seven is a big fan and has spent a lot more time thinking about it than I have, which has helped me feel more comfortable dipping my toe in the water. I also just attended a rape play class at a BDSM convention, which really helped me figure out how I could be the victim in rape play without flipping out.

When I've done resistance play in the past, I flip out. I think I'm actually being attacked and I want to get the fuck away from the other person. Unlike some kinksters, that's not part of the fun for me. I don't want to hate my partner. So the class helped me with ways to say “yes” and “no” at the same time – making it less likely to fall into “get the fuck away from me” place.

The class brought up ways to use language to communicate interest in an indirect way. “Please, don't [insert sexy action here]! I'll do anything!” is a way to balance simultaneously saying “yes” and “no.” Negotiating, begging, pleading all seem like ways I can remind my emotional brain that I don't need to flip out.

I realized the traditional rape play scene doesn't always appeal to me. A scared woman in a dark alley may get a lot of kinksters going, but right now I find it too hard to replicate a scene that is, too often, played out in real life.

When I was younger, I read a story about a woman who was forced to give her brother's friend a blowjob while her brother went down on her. I was so turned on and so freaked out – I was into incest? Into rape? But I realized as I grew older that what turned me on was that the girl was turned on, even though she felt like she shouldn't be and I found that incredibly erotic.

I'm very lucky in that my partners are okay with my recent rape curiosity. L, who also attended the rape play class, has apparently ordered a bunch of films with rape scenes from Netflix. Seven responds positively (and enthusiastically) to the idea of rape play (giving and receiving). Foxy is definitely into rape play, so even if it's something she and I don't explore, I know she can understand and be okay with the darker parts of me.

So now I find myself concocting non-consensual consensual rape scenarios in my head. The scene where the teacher seduces the innocent schoolgirl...the scene where the cockteasing cheerleader gets what she deserves...where the corporate executive is blackmailed into pleasing her male secretary...

RHS

e[lust] #27

2011-07-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of A Bedroom Blog

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #28? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed and Twitter for updates and submission reminders.
~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~
Ruby LOVES her body, so should YOU - What ever size you are, love yourself, be nice to yourself and concentrate on health instead of looks.
Performances - So, of course, I don’t have any sensation in my cock, but holy baby Jeebus, sinking into her is so fucking hot that I groan right along with her.
10 reasons why I shouldn't have had sex, but did anyway - I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex.
~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~
Energy Orgasms - There is a moment, an incredible moment, when it feels like the universe is concentrated in my body.
e[lust] Editress: Dangerous Lilly
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
A response to: #Slutwalk will not show our daughters how to get respect
Accidents Happen
All the Time in the World
Dear Jane: How Do I Gain Sensitivity Back After Masturbating Too Much?
Friday Flix: 10 Things We Would Like to Say
Hole. Confession #573
Look at me (please)
Lusting After Sexually Confident Women and HNT
Oh Really?
Sex Toy Collecting
Why Can't I Orgasm?
Kink & Fetish
5 Kinky Toys from the Restaurant Supply Store
A Piece of Meat
Being a Domme, Alone
Daddy's Good Girl
Emotional Masochism
Fucktoy Friday: Urethra Play
Good Morning
Inexorable Love
More Adventures in Chastity
New figure nudes
Plugged
Erotic Writing
Continentally Close
Entwined
First Memory of Sex with Nicole
Far From the Madding Crowd
First kiss
green candle wax
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Lusty Lips
My first swinging experience
Seducing my Professor
sexy bitch/sexy beast
Strapping On For the First Time
seminar slut
To seduce you
The Minotaur
Twisted Words
The Heist
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Gender Celebration Blog Carnival – A Call for Submissions
Marilyn Monroe: A Sex Goddess Searches For Her Elusive Orgasm
Welcome

Day 24: Rules for Dating the Redheaded Slut

2011-07-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

30 Days of Kink, are you hitting on me?

If I were to create an Application to Be My Partner…I’d probably fail after trying to figure out the first question. I’m going to get a little woo-woo here, but I believe people come into your life for a reason. And if I set up a Type of Partner I was looking for…I’d fail on that, too. The only thing my past, present and future partners have in common is that, by and large, they’re brunettes.

So the qualities I look for in a partner aren’t very specific. Kind, compassionate, interesting, smart, funny…blah, blah, blah.

What’s more important is how my partner works in the context of a relationship with me.

Rule #1: My primary relationship comes first.
There’s a reason I agreed to a state-sponsored contract to L and I. Aside from m relationship with myself, my marriage is the most important relationship in my life. It doesn’t mean he has the right to say, “Cancel your plans with [partner]; I want to see you tonight.” It means that I act in the best interest of that relationship. I’ve never had a partner who disrespected my primary – and hopefully, never will.

Rule #2: Don’t give me shit about my diet.
I have what’s known as sensory integration dysfunction. I process senses differently. Oh, that woolen sweater that’s ‘kinda scratchy’ to you? It’s like death to me. Trying to hear a conversation in a loud bar? Impossible. And food. I am also what’s called an “adult picky eater.” I’m working on branching out, but it’s sensitive subject. If you can’t respect that “no, I don’t want to try that” mean “no, I don’t want to try that”…then it quickly becomes “I’m going to shove that up your butt if you keep insisting I try your food.”

Rule #3: Touch me.
My primary love language is touch. It’s how I first and foremost show people I care about them. Stop touching me, and we’re over. Cuddles, strokes, hugs…this means, “I like you.” It makes me feel safe, wanted, secure, and connected to you.

Rule #3a: Sexytime is Super Important.
AKA “Slutty Cat is Slutty.” I have a high sex drive. I’ve masturbated five times since I started writing this entry. (That’s not true. It was seven times.) Sex is an important part of my relationships – and that means being able to do it, talk about it, and joke about it. Sex isn’t just PVI or orgasms, either…it can be making out, one person using the other to get off, tease and denial…really any form of sexual expression. I get off on the high of being aroused.

Rule #4: Talk to me.
Communication = teh sexy. Whether it’s occasional talks about how the relationship is going or little texts, keeping in contact is important because it shows I matter and am worth you taking time out of the rest of your life. The way I do my poly and relationships includes an emphasis on open, honest communication. I promise partners they won’t have to read my mind and I’ll bring up issues with the expectation that they do the same.

Rule #5: Spend time with me.
When my partners ask me to spend time with them, it tells me that they think I’m awesome and enjoy being around me. This has become problematic in my relationships. Neither L, nor Foxy, nor Seven reach out as much as I’d like for a number of reasons. It’s been a difficult process to re-internalize that just because they don’t always make the first move to spend time together doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with me.

RHS

PS: Excessive Use of Capitals is Dedicated to Boston.

Day 23: Put in Perspective

2011-06-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Since entering the public scene…

1. I have no problem being naked in front of strangers.
2. I regularly watch BDSM porn, which used to scare me/weird me out.
3. I sometimes forget that the correct response to “How was your night?” is not always “Fantastic! I dressed my boyfriend up in women’s fetish clothes and fucked him!”
4. I have a lot more hobbies. (What? Caning is a hobby.)
5. The idea of sending my husband on a date while I masturbate at home doesn’t seem that strange to me.
6. I discovered I am not a never-ending black hole for sex and emotion; I just need more than one person to feel full.
7. My wardrobe has gotten a-fucking-mazing.
8. I’ve learned a lot about what I like and want, as well as don’t like and don’t want.
9. I’ve faced my fears about a variety of subjects – jealousy, insecurity, pain – and come out stronger.
10. I see power dynamics in everything. Even Rainbow Brite. (Especially Rainbow Brite.)
11. I regret that some parts of my life cannot be shared with everyone I care about.
12. Strip clubs, not especially that interesting to me to begin with, are now especially boring.
13. Some things I considered hard limits (like needles and blood) have changed to soft limits or even eagerly-awaited next scenes.
14. I’ve become more fully aware of my different personas/needs (littlespace, being a cruel top, providing service, etc.) and done a lot of work to integrate and nurture them.
15. I have gained a greater understanding of people, power, hierarchy and how to work within non-kink systems of power using lessons from the kink world.

There’s probably more, but if I spend too much time on all the ways I’ve changed, I will never finish the 30 Days series.

RHS

Monogamy: I’m Not Wed to It

2011-06-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

In my recent process of coming out to family members and friends, someone suggested that being in an open relationship devalued my primary relationship – because I was having sex with other people. They felt my primary relationship was only special if we only have sex with each other.

Fuck that shit.

I didn’t say that, of course. But I asked, what happens if we aren’t having sex frequently? Does that mean my primary relationship means less? To place so much value on one aspect of the relationship seemed ridiculous to me.

I used to get really frustrated at the things L and I didn’t have in common – eating sushi, going camping, seeing new bands at concerts. And then I realized that he could do those things with anyone – but only I can make him feel secure and safe and loved in a very specific way. I make his day better. I comfort him when his life is going awry. I support him when he’s stressed. I’m there for him as a primary in an emotional way that nobody else matches completely. And that means a whole lot more than going to a fancy restaurant together. Or even rocking the sexytime.

I care very much for my partners and enjoy and value sexytime with them. I’ve had some casual sexual encounters and some intense and committed encounters. But in the words of Tori Amos, “So you can made me come / that doesn't make you Jesus.” Having sex with someone isn’t the be-all, end-all for me. Don’t get me wrong, the sexytime is trés important. And while a sexytime partner is pretty high on my priority list, bodily fluids are not the sole factor in someone’s importance to me or the importance of our relationship.

I know I’m in a minority. “Non-monogamy? That’s silly/dangerous/weird/selfish/etc!” I’m well-acquainted with the historical restriction of female sexuality beginning with when we were once all hunter/gatherers and junk and then started planting crops and staying in one place. And we starting keeping STUFF. We didn’t have to haul a bunch of bowls and shoes and toaster ovens arounds, so we could start accumulating. And then Bill Farmer makes this fancy farming tool and he decides he wants to make sure HIS son gets the fancy farming tool. So he tells Betty Farmer she needs to stop having sex with John Chairmaker. Thus the restriction of female sexuality and an emphasis on patrilineal heredity begins.

That’s one theory, anyway (and ridiculously condensed). And while the introduction of birth control has helped reshape female sexuality, we still have a long history of imbuing sex with magical, fantastical powers. As if maintaining a sexually-exclusive relationship ensures fidelity, trust and love. As if it guarantees a happy ending. As if it makes you better than everyone else.

I’m not saying polyamory is right for everyone. I’m not saying a sexually monogamous relationship is doomed to fail. I may even, days-months-years from now decide sexually monogamy is the shit and what I want for my life.

But by denying people the options, by perpetuating the stereotype that sexual monogamy is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the one path to happiness, you’re denying them the option to reshape their lives and relationships in a way that could lead them to more happiness, more fulfillment, more self-actualization…

…and if you don’t agree, you can suck it.

RHS

Want (But Not Yet)

2011-06-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am not good with delayed gratification. If there is ice cream in my house (and there usually is), rarely can I avoid the tempting siren song that emanates from its creamy, delicious depths.

If faced with a choice between getting the dishes done and playing with a new toy, I almost always choose the toy. (It's NEW!)

If I have a text message but know I should wait until I put away the groceries because (oh no!) the ice cream is melting...I'll still sneak a peek at my phone.

You get the picture. I'm weak, people. I want, and I want it now.

Except when it comes to sex. In college, I heard the phrase, "Don't start the lawnmower if you can't get the grass," ie "don't get me all worked up and then not follow through."

My response? "Hell, yes, I'm starting the lawnmower! And I have NO plans to cut the grass!"

This type of play - usually referred to as "tease and denial" - is one of my biggest kinks. Because for me, I love the high of being so turned on that I can barely think. I love being filled with need and longing. I love the simplicity of a world that has been broken down only to: "I want." There are times the orgasm is secondary to the feeling of intensity and sometimes what I want more than release. (And as the top, I love the power trip of reducing a strong, sexy and dynamic person into a quivering puddle of goo. Fun!)

But it's not as easy as telling the other person, "no, you can't come." (Although that's super hot, too.) You have to understand how to push the other person's buttons and maintain the right balance of giving enough to keep them interested but not so much that they're satisfied - manipulating their desire like a well-tuned instrument.

For me, there’s something inherently sexy about tease and denial. Stroking the curve of my inner thigh, so close to my sensitive labia, until I’m squirming against your hand and begging to be touched. Playing with my clit and then stopping, playing and then stopping, playing and then stopping. Pushing your lips against mine, shoving your tongue into my mouth and getting me hot…and then walking away. Telling me I’d better come fast because your hand really hurts and you’re going to stop soon. Teasing me until I’m so turned on that I’ll beg and plead for you to keep going, Making me into your plaything to be teased mercilessly because it amuses you…

…yum.

RHS

Day 22: Vanilla vs Rocky Road

2011-06-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

This entry took me a long time to wrap my head around. I mean, all relationships need certain things to stay healthy. Granted, my relationships are a little bit more complicated than Mrs. Joe Average. When you throw in a little bondage, a little spanking, things get complicated. When you add power exchange into it, the complications multiply. When you add multiple partners/polyamory into the mix, it becomes this roiling pot of soup that could boil over at any minute.

Whether someone lives the lifestyle 24/7, whether they have multiple partners, or whether they incorporate a lot or a little kink, I believe all relationships, no matter their flavor, need certain things to stay healthy.

1. Make time for each other.
I have a husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a platonic soul mate, a little sister, a job, a social life, friends, family, and my own interests. Like ice cream. If I didn’t schedule time for people on my Google calendar, I’m not sure I’d see any of my partners. This goes double true for L – we live together, but we make “us” time that isn’t just emptying the dishwasher or talking about the bills.

2. Spend some time apart.
L has a saying: “how can I miss you if you don’t go away?” As strange as it may sound, time apart helps nurture the relationship, too. All of my partners have different strengths and weaknesses – just like me. Being away from them helps me realize and appreciate the things they do, whether it’s understanding my crazy brain, being playful, or knowing exactly what to say.

3. Don’t let kink get in the way.
I am more than my fetishes. If my partners and I rely too heavily on the one thing we have in common, it’s easy for the relationship to become one-dimensional or even stagnant. I try to share non-kink things with my partners: a movie, a picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo, a joint craft project. It makes me feel more connected and I usually learn something new about them, too.

4. Don’t forget about kink.
You’re tired. It’s been a stressful week. Even cuddling seems like a lot of work, let alone sex, let alone a scene, let alone sex and a scene. It’s tempting to treat kink like dinner – it’s easier to heat up a frozen meal than to make something yourself. But putting the time and effort in for something that you both share can help you feel more connected. (And if the laundry has just got to be folded, it sounds like a hotel maid/hotel manager scene in the making!)

6. Maintain open and honest communication.
Maybe you want more time. Maybe you want a different kind of scene. Maybe you want to flirt with the cutie from the last play party. Sharing is caring – but it can also be scary. My partners are some of the most important people to the world to me, and their opinion means a great deal. Don’t let feelings of insecurity, jealousy or awkwardness stop you from sharing how you feel, what you want, or what you need. You’re only guaranteeing that you won’t get your needs met.

7. Try on their shoes once in a while.
Sorry cross-dressers, I don’t mean literal high heels. Put yourself in your partner’s place – especially when you don’t understand why they’re acting the way they are. How often do you think about how your partner is feeling or going through? Are they anxious because of work, or lack of work? Are they dealing with a lot of life changes? Are they struggling with a new partner? If you have difficulty getting in their head, just ask them for a little help understanding.

RHS

Day 21: On My Bookshelf

2011-06-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I love The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. I include them as one book because they’re two sides of the same coin, and I highly recommend reading both – regardless of your power orientation.

Like most kinksters, I’ve read the classics: SM 101, Screw the Roses, etc. When I read the Topping/Bottoming books, they stuck with me more than the others.

I love these books because they helped me understand the theories behind topping and bottoming. What people get out of power dynamics isn’t just “Haha, now I have the power!” There’s catharsis, the thrill of the taboo, fighting back, punishment, control…there are as many ways to play with power as there are types of floggers.

I love these books because they don’t focus on technique. Knowing how to suspend someone so they don’t fall and crack open their head is important, but some people are turned on by more than just the feel of the rope, the sound of the whip. The books talk about how to create headspaces so you’re playing with the body AND the mind.

I love the inclusion of different ways to play. It doesn’t all have to be “I’ve been a naughty girl, Principal Masters.” I’ve blogged before about this very specific idea of what kink is, and too often it’s easy to forget that not everyone gets off on the same things you do.

You may not love these books. You may feel like another book does a better job. But for me, they were critical in my journey to explore what it was about kink that so appealed to me.

RHS

A Piece of Meat

2011-06-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the recent vein tap. Maybe it's all the suspension work L and I did at Shibaricon last weekend. Maybe it's one of Seven's newest pictures. Maybe it's the joke I made about coming as a kitten labeled with cuts of meat for an upcoming post-apocalyptic-themed play party. (When the end of the world comes, kittens are on the menu.)

No matter the reason, lately my thoughts have started to fill with meat...with flesh...with blood...

...which is funny for someone who doesn't actually eat meat. (No, not even bacon ice cream.)

The first night L and I played at Shibaricon, I asked for a sensual, erotic scene, which he gave me. Halfway through, however, I realized I wanted claws and teeth. I wanted vicious. I felt like a piece of meat that had been strung up; I wanted all the feelings I get from feeling helpless, used, abused, and objectified.

I had this idea for a scene I want to do at this upcoming play party. I want to dress like a kitty (easy costume: ears, tail, claws and nudity). I want Seven to draw cuts of meat on me. And I want L to suspend me. And I want to feel all those intense emotions: use me, hurt me, defile me, eat me.

L and I have never really played that way. Seven and I are more used to playing in these intense ways. We have scenes involving non-consensuality and sexual objectification. But I want to share more of these things with L - these dark, intense, scary feelings. I want to feel emotionally connected to him in this powerful way where I can trust him to debase me, to hurt me...but not to harm me. I want us to take each other to the edge and fall, arms wrapped around each other for protection.

So I pitched the idea of this kind of scene to L. It took a while before I was able to fully open up. (Awkwardsauce Moment #38: telling your husband you want him to string you up like a butcher’s special.) But after explaining what I wanted and where I wanted to go with my headspace, he said: “I can work with that.”

I met with Seven the day of the party to go over his part – drawing on me, “prepping” the meat – and he was also really excited. The scenes were in place – there was nothing left to do but pack and wait for the party to start.

The party itself was amazing. The organizers worked really hard and it showed. After running around naked for a while (it’s what I do), I was ready to be meat. Seven’s costume was creepy, elaborate, and awesome – and netted him a prize! Body paint made him near unrecognizable, and the combination of metal spikes in his costume and an altered voice made me giggle not because it was funny, but because I didn’t know any other way to process it. He attached my wrists to a suspension point (but not before I tried to run, which was super hot and must happen again) and then painted cut lines and labeled my different “cuts” of meat.

Then it was time for L to suspend me. He used new ropes that were thicker and the position was incredibly comfortable – I immediately slipped into happy suspension endorphin high headspace. Between a cane, a meat tenderizer, meat forks, metal claws and biting, my body was definitely starting to feel abused. (I love showering later and feeling the hot water over fresh scratches. Yum.)

After the scene, L started aftercare but I was in such a strange place I didn’t know how to tell him what I needed. I felt scared. I felt like I was in danger and helpless. I wanted to hide. I wanted to burrow into a blanket so nobody could see me…talk to me…or try to eat me.

Post-suspension headspace is hit or miss for me. Sometimes, it’s amazing and floaty. Sometimes, it’s scary and emotional. I asked L if he could have friend/kinkster/pro-domme Tulsi (of vein tap fame) come over. She’d had an intense scene, too, so we cuddled and she made me feel safe and strong again.

I’m really glad I tried this type of scene, and I’m really glad I got to share it with L. He’s constantly vigilant about protecting our relationship, and me – so he’s often wary of doing things that will harm me or cause me emotional damage. I feel like this was a good first step in playing on a different level; maybe he’ll feel more comfortable playing in the dark and bringing out that inner monster.

RHS

Kinkier than Thou

2011-06-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

"I am hardcore. I am a badass. I play harder than you. I'm more into dominance and submission than you. I live it 24/7. I am kinkier than thou."

Sometimes you meet people who are convinced of their own kinky superiority, as if being strung up by barbed wire and licking a chainsaw and having parts of your skin cut off and fed to you makes you a better kinkster.

And I'm not going to lie. I've suffered from moments of a Kinky Superiority Complex, as if sexual practices were a scale. (Clearly, 1 is sex, lights off, missionary style. 10 is an orgy in the park with blood, frosting and rabbits.)

I was chatting with my first boyfriend, Agent Awesome and was telling him that L and I had just gotten back from a bondage convention. He said he still doesn't really get it. "Maybe I'm just a pussy," he says.

I was surprised. This is the man with whom I had my first kinky experience. He painted me with glow-in-the-dark paint. We used handcuffs. And he's telling me he doesn't get kink?

And that's when I realized that a lot of "vanilla" people - even those closest to me - had a very specific idea of what kink was. And from what they hear from me and our good friend The Mainstream Media, it's not surprising. There's bondage. There's hitting. There's screaming. There's sexy women in corsets, fishnets and thigh-high leather boots.

Yes. Kink is all of that. But there's so much more! It doesn't have to be all whips and chains (thank you, Rhianna). Sexy kinky funtime doesn't have to look like the set of a scary movie. It doesn't have to be screaming and pain and blood. It can be a couple pretending to be a naughty schoolgirl and the teacher who's going to "punish" her. It can be watching a sexy porn and doing the same positions as the actors. It can be inviting friends to cover someone in frosting and then lick it off.

Kink is what it looks like for you. Sure, there're traditional ideas of kinky sex. But what it comes down to is sexual expression. I don't want kink to be a members-only club where you have to earn the right to feel like you belong, or be made to feel excluded because you're not into pain. I want a world full of kinky people getting it on, feeling sexy, feeling accepted and enjoying the hell out of life.

And if some of them are dressed as teachers, tapping a ruler against their hand in a show of what's to come...well, that's just a sexy bonus.

RHS

At Your Service

2011-05-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

My husband and I do not have a traditional marriage. Some nights, we curl up on the couch and watch “The West Wing.” Other nights, he ties up women at the local bondage club while I go on a date with another man. We believe that it’s possible to maintain multiple committed relationships that are sexually and emotionally fulfilling – but not at the price of our own relationship.

Even monogamous couples become complacent, become more like roommates, forget to do the little things. You know, like complimenting the other’s outfit…bringing flowers…rubbing ice on their nipples. So what’s a polyamorous couple to do when complacency sets in?

Cheesy as it sounds, you have to invest time and energy. You have to stay connected, and not just with rope. I’ve talked about love languages before and how you can communicate love to your partner, and I’m lucky that both partners Foxy and Seven identify most with Touch, with Words – just like me.

L, however, likes to be shown love with Acts of Service. Which was easy to figure out when we identified more strongly as a Dominant/submissive couple: I could rub his feet, clear his dishes, make him tea. As I’ve grown more toppy and dominant, it’s gotten harder to bring myself to do those little things. We don’t keep the power dynamics in place all the time, but they do tend to spill over into our everyday lives. And of course, we all know dominants don’t do the dishes. They don’t pick up the dry cleaning. That’s what submissives are for, right? (Ha!)

I don't know what the solution is yet. It may be to suck it up and do these things because I love him, not because I feel submissive that day. It may be to engage that submissive part of me more to make sure it gets attention (so I’m going to serve L at a Tea & Discipline party this weekend). It may be I need to reframe what it means to serve and to perform acts of service. That it's not an issue of D/s, since L identifies as mostly dominant but still performs acts of service, like planning our trip to San Francisco and making sure we’re financially stable.

I think I’ll be struggling with this issue for a while. Any ideas?

RHS

Objects of Lust

2011-05-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Seven and I were talking about ways he can make me into an object. He correctly pointed out that while I've blogged about why I like object space, I haven't talked about what kind of objects I'd like to be. (Other than a delicious dessert platter.) I was more than a little surprised - as a self-admitted overthinker, I'd thought I'd documented and analyzed all my kinks to an inch of their life…and yet pinning down the specifics of objectification has eluded me.

Objectification that incorporates my kinks works well: being pretty and shown off fits my exhibitionism. Being put in a position where I'm sexually exposed fits my helpless and vulnerable kink. I love sensation play, so scenes that incorporate different types of touching, pressure, temperature or other yumminess makes me a happy girl. I like having fun giggly time. I like providing service to people I care about. Sometimes I like being challenged.

So how does this play out with actual objects?

Giving it some thought, I immediately vetoed footstool. Or coat rack. Or any piece of furniture that is arranged and then left alone. That may work for some people, but I need a basic level of regular interaction, either directly or indirectly. I need the feeling of being used more than being useful. So I wandered around my house…and work…and strangers’ houses…and supermarkets…and came up with some ideas.

Food platter. Food + lust + sensory gratification = yumyumyum.

Candle holder. It’s scary, sexy and challenging to know that only a few inches of wax separate my back from fire.

Board game. I like when people have fun.

Chair. Seven suggested this, and I went to a place with legs spread and tied, forced exposure and I had to make him stop talking because I was driving and didn’t want to kill us both.

Art Canvas. Seven has promised to decorate my body in tons of hickeys. I would also melt at wax painting, fingerpainting, pudding painting…

Toy Rack. I’m picturing some sort of way toys can be hung on me

Dress-Up Doll. Maybe I’ve just listened to Aqua’s “Barbie Doll” too many times.

Scratching Post. I’m a kitty. I love being scratched. I love being things.

Blow-Up Doll. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain this one.

Bondage Sculpture. Not all objects have to be useful.

I wonder what else I can be made into…

RHS

Day 20: Playing by the Rules

2011-05-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I didn’t really like or understand protocol as a bottom. Stay quiet and stay still? It went against my very nature...but when the local TNG kinksters (19-35 age group) decided to host a High Protocol dinner, I asked L if he’d like to go as two tops with our respective play partners/submissives/bitches. He said yes – and suddenly I began thinking about protocol from a whole new perspective.

At first, I was scared. High Protocol – you can practically hear the capital letters. But I figured this would be an excellent opportunity to learn more about protocol in a safe environment without someone shaking their finger that I’m doing something wrong.

So I did some reading. And talking. And more reading. And more talking. And I thought about What Protocol Means to Me. I really liked this definition: “a set of rules that govern a specific action or behavior in a given situation.” Easy enough, right? And I began to understand why protocol is appealing to some people...

-Protocol provides consistency in action.
-Protocol allows you to be fully present and focused in what you're doing.
-Protocol celebrates the uniqueness of the relationship and the people within it.
-Protocol reinforces the bond between the two or more people.
-Protocol emphasizes the difference in status between the two or more people.

This all made sense on a cognitive level, but what did it look like? Turning to friends, high protocol books and websites, I found the traditional image of high protocol - the attentive slave kneeling at their Master’s feet – didn’t work for me. It didn’t feel authentic.

I’m not the most serious person in the community; I’ve told several people one protocol will be that for the next half hour, any comments or questions must be directed to a sock puppet on my hand. Beyond that, I’ll be going to the dinner with Seven and boston, a dear friend whose ideas on protocol are much more traditional and service-oriented. But Seven loves the idea of being a pet, an object of pleasure - our dynamic has become much more Goddess/worshipper, not Master/slave.

Since I feel like protocols should stem from the relationship and the people within it, I’m trying to take what gets him off into consideration, and how he envisions his role as pet. (Plus what I want. Because that's what this is really about, right?)

So the protocols I've come up with stem from this worship and adoration idea. Which isn't that far removed from a Master/slave dynamic, but it's framed differently. Many traditional high protocol rules (the slave cannot look anyone in the eye, must ask permission to use the restroom) seem to me to stem from removing control and choice from the submissive and reinforces the owner/property dynamic.

But Seven isn't my property as much as a willing worshipper - I'm more concerned with him brushing my hair and showering me with compliments than making sure my drink gets a refill. He's on his knees next to me mostly so I can touch him and be touched. I want him to bring me food and drink as a gift or offering. We might have the same protocols that restrict his behavior, but the reasoning is different. He should be attentive and see to my comfort and happiness, but not because he belongs to me.

High protocol can be really intimidating, and I’m still figuring out what place it might have in Seven’s and my dynamic. It may be like a dress that’s a little too big and won’t quite fit. Or, with a little thought and work, the dress may be reworked to fit perfectly.

And damn, I’ll look fantastic.

RHS

Blood, Sweat and Cake

2011-05-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

Cake and blood. They shouldn’t go together…but last night they did, nicely, at an objectification-themed play party. I’m talking human footstools, human art canvases…

…and human dessert platters.

I’ve wanted to be a human dessert platter for a year now, ever since being a human sushi platter. I love object space - you don’t have to think and people get to do wonderful sensation things to you.

But my cakey dreams went unfulfilled until I told Seven. I told him I wanted to be this beautiful object that provides deliciousness to people. I explained what I liked about the idea, and he started planning. And went above and beyond. Not only did he realize this party would be the perfect opportunity, but he made a cake. Red velvet cake. Which I love. He made it to match the blood scene I had planned later. From SCRATCH. He did research on the most authentic recipe. (It involves beets.)

He amazes me sometimes.

Seven started the scene by wrapping Saran wrap around my breasts, torso and legs so the cake could rest on me and still be hygienic. It was an unusual feeling – being naked, but “clothed” – and it was pretty hot. Especially when he started touching me through the wrap…

...I was saying something. Right. I hopped on the table and he turned the cake over onto me. The weight of the cake sent me object space pretty quickly. It’s hard to describe: you’re functional, but still functioning. I couldn’t really talk because I’d mess up the cake. Also, platters don’t talk.

What I love about being certain types of objects is the sensual interaction. I could feel the cake moving against my skin as Seven frosted it and drizzled chocolate over it. When he cut the cake, I could feel this erotic, intense energy like he was slicing through my own body. There were cups of strawberries on my breasts, providing a neat temperature contrast to the warm cake. And after a while, things got fuzzy I went deeper into object space. At the end, I felt relaxed and a little spent – but in the way you feel after you’ve accomplished something good. This scene fed so many of my kinks, it was like getting three scenes for the price of one.

And he totally wants to do it again. Which makes me feel yummy and loved.

So we did The Aftercare, and then it was time for…the blood. I’d planned a vein tap last month, but the top wasn’t feeling well that night, so we rescheduled for last night. L was out of town, but Seven was there to hold my hand and do cuddle time if I needed it. (Which was good because L does not like blood play.) Basically a vein tap is a needle is stuck into your arm with a magic thingy so blood starts coming out at a measured pace.

That’s right. I’m a badass.

I was nervous before she stuck me, worried I wouldn’t be able to get to the right headspace. But she reassured me and I felt just a little pinch – then looked down – then

HOLY SHIT! That’s my blood! MY blood! Pouring out of me! Is it safe? It seems like a lot - is it a lot? That’s my blood. It was inside of me. Now it’s outside of me …and it’s warm. And really red…

The blood didn’t come out as fast as I thought it might. There really wasn’t that much, either – later I estimated less than a cup. The top started playing with my blood, smearing it on me, dribbling it over my skin. It sparked a different headspace: I felt tougher, like I could take more, but was also a little distanced from it. At some point, we invited Seven to slip on a glove and start playing in my blood, too. (I was very viscerally reminded of the HBO series “True Blood,” which will now turn me on in a whole new way.) As my blood coagulated, the top played with it and put it on me. It was super gross…but I kind of liked being forcibly grossed out in the space. (It helps that I really trust the top.)

After, both of us were sort of giggly and stupid. She had gone into a very deep headspace, which was really cool. I went to a part littlespace, part not-smart, part quiet headspace (which amused Seven to no end). He took good care of me the rest of the night, which say they is important so you don’t crash later from the endorphins leaving your system so dramatically.

I was happy that Seven responded well to all my headspaces, and he seemed to have a pretty good time playing with SlutCake and SlutBlood. I’m slowly getting comfortable being who I am with him – weird kinks and quirks and all. I’m sharing insecurities and fears, and not worrying that he’s going to feel weird, or respond badly. Trust has never been my strong suit, which seems strange for the night I had. I feel lucky I have some really great people in my life.

People who love cake and blood.

RHS

Going Viral, Part 1

2011-05-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve learned a lot since opening up my marriage to L. Communication, prioritization, time management…all things that got better or changed once we agreed that we would not be emotionally or physically monogamous.

But I’m still learning and experiencing new (and sometimes unexpected) lessons. Seven and I were in the park having lunch when the phone call came. Seven had gotten an STD screening, and his doctor told him that he was seropositive for Herpes Simplex Virus type 2 antibodies, which meant he had likely been infected with HSV2.

My first thought wasn’t how it would affect me, or my partners. I realized his life was not going to be the same. It wasn’t earth-shatteringly different, perhaps – but it would always be there. And that he was going to need all the support he could. And that I didn’t want to be the kind of person who walked away because of something like this.

As we spent the next few weeks learning more about the virus, Seven and I also talked a lot about how this could and would affect our relationship. What would happen if I became infected, or if I passed the virus on to L? As more conversations took place about what we felt were appropriate precautions, I got scared. I started to feel like I had to choose between the risk of infecting my primary partner or end a relationship that was really amazing.

I called Seven, who initially thought I was breaking up with him. I tried to communicate that I felt like I was in a no-win situation and I didn’t know what to do. I knew I was having an emotional reaction, and he used his magical logic skills to help me see things from a different perspective.

With the help of a fantastic woman who is also HSV2 positive, the three of us – me, Seven and L – came to agreements about what were appropriate precautions. L and I also agreed that he wouldn’t ask me to end the relationship because of the new information, and if I were in the same situation, I couldn’t ask him to give up something that made me happy when the health risks weren’t as severe as other STIs.

It’s possible I could get the virus. It’s possible I could pass it to L. It’s possible he could get another woman pregnant. It’s possible that he could fall in love with another woman and leave me. It’s possible I could fall in love with another man or woman and leave him.

These are the risks we take. These are the possible prices of admission for having multiple relationships. I move forward, knowing this. Because the rewards I get: love, emotional support, sexual fulfillment, new experiences, joy, excitement, appreciation of what all the people in my life bring…I believe they are worth the cost. I may change my mind; I've learned in my life to never say never.

But right now, I'm not going to let a little virus stop me from being happy.

RHS

I Want to Scream

2011-04-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it: I love the Scream movies. So when I went to see the most recent one last week, I was a little geeked out. (It’s not like I showed up in a Ghostface mask or anything. I was just jumping up and down…and repeating the movie’s title over and over. And over.)

People are sometimes surprised when they find out I love the tales of poor Sidney Prescott. I have trouble with horror movies; I overemphasize with the characters. I can remind myself that it’s not real all I want, but it’s hard to shut off that cringes and recoils at someone’s suffering. It’s a sharp contrast to my friends and partners who readily admit being turned on by horror movies.

Horror movies have always simultaneously scared and fascinated me. I usually avoid seeing them or sneaking a peek at their Wikipedia entry. But I’ve gleefully watched the Scream movies multiple times…so I started to wonder if maybe my fascination with the series runs a little deeper than mere entertainment. Maybe Scream speaks to me on a kinky level that I can deconstruct in order to make what scares me a little less scary.

(Stand back, folks. It’s gonna get geeky.)

Scary movies and sex have been intertwined since we first started telling scary stories. I know a lot’s been written about the sexualized elements in the films. But I’ve never thought about scary movies as they relate to my own kinks.

Take voyeurism and exhibitionism, for example. There is a lot of watching and being watched going on in the Scream movies. When the killer calls, he often mentions something specific, like a movie they’re watching, to make it very clear – he’s nearby, and he’s watching. Even hotter, it’s forced exhibitionism – the watchee has no control over how and when they’re being watched.

I’m an edger. I’m totally into getting myself to the point of orgasm, backing off, ramping up, backing off – riding that buzzy delicious high for as long as possible before I finally send myself over the edge. And when I think about it, suspense is kind of like that. The anticipation and tension alternates ramping up and backing off until the (literal or figurative) climax.

Sidney and the eventual victims in the movie are often placed in situations of helplessness – the power is cut off, they’re trapped in another room or house, forced to watch while their friends or family are slaughtered (forced voyeurism!). I shouldn’t be turned on by that – my logical brain rebels against the intrinsic horror of such a scenario – but that dark, deep shadowy part of my brain that likes being choked, likes being called a slut, likes that feeling of helplessness and vulnerability, being at someone else’s mercy…that part of me is having a party when those scenes come on.

I pride myself on being self-aware – of being able to understand how I operate, why I do what I do, and how I process emotions. The movies, too, contain a level of meta-awareness; the characters frequently reference the “rules” of the horror film genre. There’s an appreciation, though perhaps not in a strict kink sense, of being able to apply rules and guidelines to your reality.

The movies themselves are almost like scenes – I can envision Sidney as a bottom who goes through (admittedly non-consensual) endurance scenes of pain, suffering and fear. She comes out tougher, stronger, and able to not only take what’s dished out but to dish it out herself.

Maybe all these kink elements are intrinsic to suspense movies, and I just don’t watch enough to know. If that’s the case, I wonder why people are so freaked out by BDSM and kink. The difference in intensity between watching a scary movie and asking your partner to pretend to kill you is pretty clear in my mind…but the intrinsic desire to be scared in a controlled environment is still there. I think it’s something a lot of people share.

Now I have to figure out what my other favorite movies say about my kinks. I’m totally into the Jurassic Park movies…I bet I have a hidden Velociraptor fetish.

RHS

Day 19 – Dress You Up in My Kink

2011-04-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

There are a lot of ways kink has enriched my life. I’ve created a deeper relationship with L. I’ve met a lot of people who have made my life better. I’ve learned about myself, through experience and introspection.

But the number one way kink has improved my life?

My wardrobe.

That’s right. I was never a fashionista. I picked up Cosmopolitan magazine and bypassed the clothes, skipping straight to the sex section. I might see a top I thought was cute. I could occasionally cry squee over a skirt. But shoes? Never understood the fascination. And purses? So much hassle! (You have to keep moving things back and forth and back and forth…)

Until kink.

Now, a whole new world has opened up. It’s like a beautiful fetishy closet door has slid open to reveal untold wonders. Collars and restraints! Wicked high heels! Claw rings! And Sexy. Fucking. Stockings.

What I love most about kink costuming (besides the sexy fucking stockings) is the transformative power of pieces of fabric. In an instant, I can be an innocent schoolgirl – a cruel goddess – a saucy French maid – a domineering Stepford wife - a take-charge corporate bitch. I get to tap into these archetypes of power and helplessness, sexiness and allure…I get to BE someone else for a little while.

And damn, if that isn’t cool.

RHS

Knife

2011-04-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

I am waiting on the bed, as instructed. Eyes closed, clad only in a bra and panties. I breathe deeply until I feel his hand on my shoulder. My heart rate doubles. His breath warm against my ear, he whispers, “Are you ready?”

I nod, and he fits the blindfold over my eyes. He waits a few seconds, lets me adjust to my sight being taken away. Thankfully soon, I feel his hands back on my body, sliding up to my hands – binding one wrist to the bed, then the other.

His fingers dance lightly across my exposed body and move down to tie my ankles. The air is cool against my skin, and every touch feels electric. I jump a little when I feel his hands clamp down on my ankles – he roughly spreads my legs apart and I bite back a moan. He loops the rope over each foot and ties off the ends, securing me to the bed.

I can feel him move away when done; I’m sure he’s examining his handiwork. He knows I’m not really going to try to get away…but there’s no sense in making it easy for me. I struggle against the restraints, enjoying the feel of helplessness with my arms restrained and my legs spread wide open.

The cold, sharp edge of the knife against my shoulder startles me. I feel him slip the blade under my bra strap, pulling the material higher and higher until the fabric gives, snapping into my skin. The sharp sting makes me pull away, and his hand comes out of nowhere and wraps around my neck.

That familiar yet erotic sensation sends a charge through my body. The pressure against my throat makes me a little dizzy, and more than a little wet. Laughing softly into my ear, he calls me a little slut. Under the other bra strap goes the knife, then between my breasts. He moves his hand from my neck to hold the bra, works the knife against the material, and eventually it tears and he pulls the fabric from my body.

Then the knife is on my inner thigh. I know what’s coming. He slowly moves the knife’s edge up my leg - first lightly, then pushing down into flesh. I feel the blade slide under the lace edge of my panties, can hear the rip as the fabric gives way. He teases me with the sensation of steel on skin, dragging the knife down one thigh and up the other. The knife shreds the other side of my panties and his hand slides underneath, slowly pulling them away from my body. I am naked, exposed, vulnerable.

He holds the knife against my inner thigh, slowly tracing the edge around my skin, higher and higher until I can feel the metal next to my labia. I’m breathing quickly, simultaneously trying to get away from the blade…but also squirming towards it…

RHS

Day 18 – Feeding My Pet Peeves

2011-04-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

So this seems to be the rant section of the 30 Days…feel free to skip or keep going for hilarity.

I love when…

People touch property (toys, people, clothes, etc.) that don’t belong to them. Really, it’s complimentary. You have something they think is shiny and neat. You should be flattered. (Seriously, why aren’t you flattered?!)

People come up to you to participate in your scene, grabbing toys out of your hand. You’re having so much fun; it’d be rude not to share it with other people. And if you didn’t want people to participate in your scene, you shouldn’t be playing in public in the first place.

People take time out of their busy day to let you know that even though you identify as a switch, you’re really just a slave and you haven’t found the right Master yet. And they’d be happy to take some time to help you along your journey to find your true path. (Also, they know you won’t expect them to use a condom.)

People start talking to you in the middle of your scene. A true kinkster can totally carry on a conversation with someone while beating their partner with a flogger. This is clearly the best time to start debating the merits of leather versus suede floggers.

People stand really close to observe your scene. Really close. Like “we should talk about our prior sexual history” close.

People mistake “hello” for “please, spend an hour with me telling me about your life’s journey. Yes, please include the trauma and abuse you’ve gone through, even though we just met. I also need to know about your current partner, who is clearly a raving psychotic for not appreciating when you left a flaming teddy bear on his or her bed. Oh, and don’t worry, I don’t have anything useful to contribute. You should feel free to take the lion’s share of this conversation.”

Yes. This is all very sexy, and there should be more of it.

RHS

Day 17 – All You Kinky People Are All Alike

2011-04-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Misconceptions? About kinky people? I’m sure mainstream America has a perfectly accurate vision of what people in the lifestyle are like – especially thanks to Rihanna’s latest single. But just in case…

Kinky people are not all socially maladjusted with a misunderstanding of personal space, privacy and social etiquette.
Kinky people are not all atheistic Christianity-bashers.
Kinky people do not all lack a basic dedication to personal hygiene.
Kinky people are not all serial killers.
Kinky people are not all psychologically unhealthy and in co-dependent and/or abusive relationships.
Kinky people do not all play to the extreme, such as with barbed wire, role-play murder, and suturing labia shut.
Kinky people aren’t all just looking to get laid.

That clears things up, right?

RHS

Day 16 – Sssshhhh!

2011-04-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

That sex got more expensive than a condom and a bottle of lube. I mean, good quality rope and a nice cane doesn’t come cheap. Plus the time and energy you put into not hurting people…that’s a big investment!

Seriously, though, it’s frustrating not to be able to share my passions and interests and life experiences with everyone. While some of my friends and family know, others don’t because they won’t agree with my life choices or it’s information they’d really rather not know.

For me, BDSM and sex are interrelated. While going on about my sex life to everyone isn’t necessarily mandatory, I don’t like lying about what I did all weekend. I don’t like having to figure out an alternate “this is how I met my friend Foxy” story. I wish saying “I was at a bondage club” garnered as much or less interest as “I was at my book club.”

There are other costs to being interested in kink, especially with public events: maintaining a level of secrecy and privacy within the community, negotiating with partners to make sure everyone’s getting attention and that boundaries are clear, and the safety risk that comes with letting someone tie you up and hang you on a hook. But to me, those are all acceptable prices to pay for the benefits of my kinky life.

Silence should never be a price to pay to engage in what you love. I’m fortunate in that I can come out to some people who may initially be taken aback, but now they know that the world of kink isn’t filled with weirdoes and possible serial killers. And maybe that’s the path to greater acceptance.

RHS

Victim

2011-04-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

“I don’t want you to see me as a victim.”

Those were the words that wouldn’t leave my mouth. I was doing post-scene debriefing with Seven, who had topped me for the first time the night before. It was a really cool scene. He used medical wrap gauze stuff for a blindfold and put earplugs in my ears – which was pretty fantastic since I‘m out of practice tuning noise out as a bottom. After binding me with medical tape, he scratched designs and math into my skin with a needle. (Mmm…hot kinky geekery. Plus objectification/body as canvas sexiness. Win!)

The scene was empowering in a couple of ways. At the beginning, I flashed back to a novel I’d read about a woman who’d been abducted, raped and cut by a group of bikers. I was scared I’d go to a place where it wasn’t fun and was worried I’d have to end the scene. But I reminded myself that if I had control of the situation; I knew he’d stop if I needed him to.

The scene also stretched some of my pain tolerance. I love being scratched, but I haven’t bottomed in a while. It took the endorphins a while to come out and say hello. There were a couple of times I wanted him to back off the intensity, but I pushed through and felt stronger for it.

The next day, we got to spend some time together in non-scene space. I was happy, because while I’ve topped him several times before, this was the first time he really saw me as a bottom. And I was a little nervous the day after. There was that fear that says “you’re going to look at me differently now. You won’t be able to see me as a top now that we’ve switched. You’re going to see me as “less” for being on the other end. You’re going to think I’m weird for liking what you’re doing to me.”

But I reminded myself that Seven is a switch. I know he understands the desire to alternate which end of the paddle you’re on. I know that his kinks run darker that I thought they would, and he’s not going to think less of me if I’m into something he’s not. (It’s probably a better chance that he’s into it, too.)

I used to love bottoming. I used to love that feeling of helplessness. I used to love falling into submission and subspace. I used to love the feeling of letting everything fade away. I used to love being bound and knowing the other person can do whatever they want to me.

I still love those things, and they’ve fallen by the wayside. I need to remember that all of my parts need care and attention: the little, the slut, the top, and even the bottom. She deserves to come out and play more – and soon.

RHS

Day 15 – If You Want Blood

2011-03-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

As part of an upcoming medical play-themed party, I will be doing a vein tap. What is a vein tap, you ask? I’m not sure of the exact mechanics, but a Really Big Needle will go into my arm, and Lots of My Blood will come out.

Ok, maybe not lots. But more than comes out of my arm on a daily basis.

Why am I doing this? Because I‘m scared. And fascinated. Because I found someone who’s become an amazing friend and while we’ve only played once, took me so high I’m not sure I could have told you my name. She has fantastic energy and absolutely loves blood play. I think it’s for her what ice cream is for me. (And if I could do a scene where I got ice cream to come out of one of my partner’s arms, yes - I would totally be laying on the floor with my mouth open.)

The thing about the vein tap – and I write this without having watched one – is it seems like you could go to so many different spaces. It could be a celebration of power and life…it could be this feeling of sacrifice…it could tap into this feral, primal part of me…I could feel incredibly powerful or powerless. I have no way of knowing.

This is not a kink for the faint of heart. L firmly believes blood should stay inside the body. Her Majesty has a hard limit for medical play and needles. Foxy loves needles and blood, but I don’t think she could rip me open and let my blood pour out. Even Seven, the guy I’m dating, is shaking his head at the idea. (And he’s not what I’d call a light player.)

And that’s why doing this is so important to me. Blood play isn’t something I really hope I’m into, so there’s no pressure on it being the Best Scene Ever. But I may find out I’m totally into it. And playing on the edge – at least the idea of it – is really sexy.

I may cry. I may only last a few seconds. I may crash really hard. But I know this amazing woman will do everything she can to make it a wonderful scene. Without even trying, I’m know I’ll feel safe and happy in her energy. And I know I have the strength inside me to face my fears and jump out into a scary new place.

RHS

Day 14 – All In Your Head

2011-03-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

This has been the hardest entry to write so far. When I first starting thinking about the question, my first response was this long rant about how fantasy BDSM forgets about the human element. From the practicality of expecting a slave to kneel if they have a knee injury to dealing with different people's opinions of acceptable behavior (whereas in books and your mind, everyone is on the same page), fantasy is perfect. Fantasy doesn’t mess up, or make funny noises, or forget where you left the safety scissors. Fantasy never has “oops” moments.

And that all seemed so…obvious.

So I tried to personalize the question: how does my real life kink vary from my fantasy kink life? The answer right now is that my real life kicks the everloving out of my fantasy one right now. But then I got distracted thinking about choking, CBT, my impending vein tap, and all sorts of wonderful things in my life.

So as much as I wanted to write something awesome and insightful for this day’s question…

…I said, “fuck it” and decided to have tea and a hot bath.

RHS

Day 13 – Like a Moth to a Flame

2011-03-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

This is really two questions in one, isn’t it? (1) Why do I like kink and (2) why do I have the fetishes I have?

The second question could encompass about a thousand blog entries. More if you include my penchant for getting distracted and rambling on about ice cream.

But the first question – that’s a little easier. One of my first visits to a local BDSM club that has since closed down was extraordinary because it felt like home. There were girls meowing and cuddle puddles on the couches. Everyone seemed warm and welcoming and a little weird.

Like me.

So I instantly felt a draw, which was only reinforced by all the side benefits of meeting people in the scene. Getting to meet new and fun and interesting people and hearing different ways of viewing the world. Meeting people who eventually become more than just friends. Creating, exploring and solidifying my connection not only to L, but to the people who are now so very important in my life.

I get to learn so much about myself – not just what turns me on and what I like/dislike – but how I deal with conflict, new situations, jealousy, multiple relationships. I also get to to explore all these different parts of me: the playful one, the performer, the feral one, the mean one…all the identities I’ve been exploring have emerged as a result of my exploring the kink world.

Plus I love touch and now know some kickass people who love to cuddle.

And that’s why I love kink.

RHS

Day 12 – It’s Not “Foot in Mouth”…

2011-03-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I laugh a lot in my scenes and have some great moments - including being beaten to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" - but one of my favorite "oops" moments involved wax, a mouth, and the phrase "that's fucking bullshit."

I was at a femdom party and had just successfully orchestrated a scene with three bottoms being "forced" to top Foxy with me. Her wrists were tied and we were all doing wonderful sensation-y things to her when I dripped some wax into her belly button.

One of the bottoms saw the wax and, mistaking it for ice water, leaned over to suck it out of Foxy's belly button. As the bottom stood back up again, the rest of us watched her face as she realized it was not water on her tongue, but wax.

We all couldn't help laughing and I declared the scene over - there was no way I could continue without giggling intermittently. The memory still makes me smile.

RHS

Day 11 – Push It

2011-02-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Another serious question…shoot, I was all ready to write about frosting-covered dildos today.

Consent is at the heart of kink for me. That may seem obvious, but consent is closely linked with overstepping boundaries. It’s incredibly important for me to feel that the other person – regardless of the relationship – is ok with me doing whatever I’m doing.

But instead of writing about how important consent is – because it’s my blog and I’ll deviate if I want to – I’m reminded of something I wrote six months ago, just prior to starting the whole blog project.

I began by writing about pushy doms. The ones who tell you you’re really a masochist. The ones who’re convinced you’ll love their new flogger (because you haven’t been flogged by someone who really knows what they’re doing). Who wants to be that person?

At the time of the writing, I was really afraid to push as a top. I was scared of hurting the relationship and the other person. With the help of a lot of my personal cheerleaders (you know who you are), I’ve gotten much stronger and felt more comfortable pushing.

It helps that, as a switch, I understand the desire to be pushed. As a bottom, I want to be pushed. (You know, if I like you.) I want to find that fine line between “just right” and “too much.” I want to feel a little scared, a little unsafe…like I don’t know what you’ll do next.

Even now, though, I get a little scared about consent in play and relationships. Does she want me to push her against the wall and shove her skirt up? Does he want me to push his head down onto the table while I whisper terrible things in his ear? Like a boy on the third date, sometimes I get shy, awkward and uncertain.

But those times are a lot less frequent now. I’ve been rewarded when I push. Even when a scene goes badly or a relationship doesn’t work out, I learn something.

L has been encouraging me to go after what I want. Again, fear of being pushy coupled with social conditioning that girls are pursued, not pursuers means it’s something I’m not used to. But I’m working on it. I’m looking at who I know and admire. I’m looking at fictional characters who embody the kind of pursuer I want to be (hello, Don Draper!).

It’s taken me a little while to get to where I wanted to be as a top, and I know I’ll get to be where I want to be with pursuer.

And I totally didn’t answer the question.

RHS

Day 10 – Between a Rock and a Hard Limit

2011-02-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

I’ve been thinking about limits a lot lately. Ever since I wrote about rape play, I’ve been thinking about where I fall on the “edge player” spectrum.

I don’t do scat play, watersports, sexualized age play, and probably a bunch of other things I haven’t thought of. And I’ve always considered myself a light player. (I cover people in frosting and get people to lick it off.)

Consent is obviously a very big thing for me. It’s something I struggle with – people who want to be pushed, to be shoved against a wall and taken…I get very scared about overstepping their boundaries.

But then I think about some of the scenes I’ve done and want to do…and maybe I’m an edge player in the sense that I stay on the edges of light and fluffy versus dark and scary.

I want to do a vein tap. I’m not even exactly sure how it works, but there’ll be lots of my blood and messiness and it seems scary and intense and awesome. It helps that the person I want to do it with loves this kind of play.

I love the idea of cutting and physical torture…but other people’s blood is scary and messy. But there’s something about detailed, focused, sensation-based torture that fascinates and scares me.

I’ve gotten a lot more into playing with the mind. Figuring out someone’s kink, fetish or turn-on and then deliberately using it to turn them on is ridiculously hot. I just found out someone I know totally loves when women are casually stroking their strap-ons…you can be sure I’ll be doing more of that.

I want to play more with consensual nonconsent. There was one time L and I were makin’ with the lovins and the idea of pleading and yelling “no, no, no” really did it for me.

I don’t play with abandonment, but I have an emotionally masochistic streak. Being on the receiving end of more degradation and humiliation play gets me hot…then scares me…then gets me hot…the cycle continues.

I want to do more topping with fear and humiliation. I love the power trip of being able to fuck with someone, to scare them, to take them to a new place…and then being there for comfort and cuddles and making sure they feel safe and taken care of.

So, long story short – too late – I’m not sure about a lot of my limits. But I know I don’t want them to limit me.

RHS

Day 9 - Video Killed the Radio Star

2011-02-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Read the lyrics

At first glance, it’s a song about domestic violence or a relationship gone horribly wrong. But I don’t see that (and neither does Florence). Her take on it is that it’s about “pushing each other to psychological extremes because they are fighting, but they still love each other.”

I hear it and think about an intense kinky relationship filled with passion and consensual (non-consensual) violence. I love the line, “You hit me once – I hit you back.” The song isn’t for victims, it’s for survivors, for people who give as good as they get. I love the bouncy pop style that contrasts with the dark lyrics. I even love the video – even if it’s a little goofy.

Plus, the line “break the lock if it don’t fit” resonates with me – my life and my relationships don’t fit into a neat little box. Sometimes you have to tear apart your preconceived notions to get what you want.

RHS

The “R” Word

2011-02-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

This past weekend L and I hosted the cousin of an Australian friend. Not only was it wonderful to hear the accent again, but she also turned out to be delightful and very kink and poly-friendly.

Now, when I mentioned she was staying with us to a co-worker, he recommended I watch a movie called Wolf Creek. So I looked up the movie on Wikipedia (momentarily forgetting this individual loves horror movies.)

I made it as far into the plot as the hitchhiker drugging the women and sexually tormenting them. I closed the window and tried to remove the thoughts from my mind. It didn’t work very well – obviously I’m still thinking about it – and my mind had started to do that “I think I’m turned on and fascinated but this is wrong!” dance.

I’m very comfortable with my kinks. I have friends who have kinks they’re still a little weirded out by, but most of the time I’m comfortable with my desires. Sometimes I like anal sex. Sometimes I like being called a whore. Sometimes I want to be degraded and humiliated.

But sometimes I think I want to be raped.

That one does weird me out. I’ve always been fascinated by serial killer novels, and I had to stop watching “Law and Order: SVU” because I was flashing back to graphic scenes in the show while playing with L. On a logical level, I know it’s ok – consensual nonconsent can be cathartic and intense and hot and awesome. But on an emotional level, it scares me.

I’m actually not sure if I want to be the victim or the aggressor – it’s the first kink that really scares me enough that I have trouble thinking about it. (Wrapping Foxy in saran wrap and pretending to cut off her “skin,” well that’s just fun.) I’ve read some erotica featuring nonconsent (and yes, it did it for me. A lot.) and have this recurring fantasy of a teacher/student scene where the male teacher goes down on the female student – a sort of cunnilingus rape. I’m not going to lie - the combination of enjoying the sensations but being horrified by the situation gets me twistedly hot.

I tell my thoughts to L last night and asked him if he was uncomfortable with any of his kinks. He tells me no…and that it’s largely because of me being accepting of who he is. (Aww!) I have friends who are into rape play – I know if it’s something I want to explore, I have a strong and supportive community of people who will help me learn and grow and deal with the intense emotions that kink is sure to bring out.

But I’m still scared. And a part of me is even turned on by my own fear.

RHS

Slut

2011-02-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

Rearrange the letters of “slut,” and you get “lust.” That’s pretty much the embodiment of the word for me. Often “slut” is a term of endearment for me, but it’s also a way of looking at the world. It’s a lust for life, for play, for sex, and yes – for ice cream. It’s giving in to the delicious sensory experiences and everything life has to offer.

Last week I’d gone with Foxy and a friend to get some ice cream and was greatly distracted by a gentleman at the neighboring table. To say he was eating an ice cream cone is a big understatement. It was like watching a body worship scene - only with ice cream. There was a woman with him, and I really don’t know how she lasted. If someone looked at me and ate ice cream the way he did, I’d be a brainless puddle of happy. And probably dragging them out to the backseat of my car.

Porn star, kinkster and feminist Madison Young describes the best advice she ever got with oral sex: “pretend that cock/cunt is made of cotton candy and diamonds!” You imagine it’s your favorite things in the world and really throw yourself into the experience.

And that sums up lust for me – giving yourself up to the experience, letting the sensations overtake you, reveling in them. I know I have ice cream lust. I have packaging lust (sexy vibrators in sexy boxes!). I have book lust…idea lust…chocolate lust…I even have lust for lust: the very notion of a purely visceral, sensual emotion that defies reason and logic and drives the brain and body to an extreme level of want…

Yum.

RHS

Day 8 – A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words

2011-02-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Maybe it’s my weakness for men in button-down dress shirts. Maybe it’s that women in business skirts are sexy as hell. Either way, I love this picture, even though it’s not really “kinky.”

There’s a flirtatious intensity in the body language, coupled with the objectification by only showing part of their bodies. The picture promises a teasing encounter in the break room, or a soon-to-come quickie in a supply closet, or any number of delightful possibilities.

And the picture came from a corporate website, and that just makes me giggle.

RHS

Day 7 – Toy With Me

2011-01-29T15:19:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

So the obvious answer is “my brain,” but I felt like that was a kind of cheap cop-out answer. So I dug deep in my toybag and thought about my favorite toy.

My black metal claws.

First: the lust factor. Ever since I saw them at a kinky convention about six months ago, the lust began. “I want them.” I thought about how much I love scratching…the sensation on my skin, the marks they leave behind, how sexy-awesome my fingers would look with the claws…

Soon the lust morphed into: “I must have them.” So the night before I taught a class on wax play, I was able to meet with the local vendor to buy the pretty shinies. And I have loved them deeply ever since.

Using the claws on me is like tugging on my collar, touching the inside of my wrist, or holding something out for me to eat – it completely turns me on. It gives me that shivery feeling where I realize that I’m not quite in control of the situation, but boy, do I like what you’re doing.

Also – they’re sterilizable. Since they’re metal, I can use them on multiple people or have them used on me and make sure they’re clean. (Not that I cause a lot of blood with them, but hey – they’re pretty sharp.)

Not to mention I’m a kitty. (Sometimes. Sometimes I’m a puppy, and a little, and a pixy…but that’s another blog entry.) So to have a tail and ears AND claws just puts a big slutty cherry on my ice cream sundae of happiness.

Looking over all my toys – what? I’m a toyslut! – my claws are one of my favorite investments. They’ve never run out of batteries, never let me down, and usually cause similar looks of my own pre-claw envy and lust among my fellow kinksters. I have referred many a person to this vendor and have been thinking about getting a thumb claw in purple.

I mean, if you can’t have stylish toys…what’s the point?

RHS

Day 6 - You Want to Do What?!

2011-01-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Weird is subjective. To some people, my desire to be a human dessert platter is either weird, or not really kinky, or just a mess to deal with.

But those people are just silly. Human dessert tray encompasses a variety of kinky themes: objectification, sensation play, mental bondage (you can’t move or you’ll mess it up!), sensual play (what with the eating and licking and all)…I envision an incredibly sensual scene of being decorated with chocolate, with caramel, with whipped cream. I envision a human body turned into a platter for a variety of cookies, cakes, and other treats. I envision the dessert tray spread out, available to party-goers who can enjoy the food (and some who are allowed to enjoy a little more than the food).

But my post wasn’t supposed to be about nom-nom yumminess. I got distracted by the sugar…and the licking…and the deliciousness…yes, I get distracted easily. My post was supposed to be about orgies.

One of my favorite kink sites is Public Disgrace, a site that usually features one or more submissive females (no males yet…how sad…) who are usually tied up and used sexually by multiple people. There’s one exceptional video featuring Ariel X in a lesbian bar, and she’s going down on one girl while being fingered by another and she’s all tied up and…

...right. Distractions. When I shared my love for this site with someone, their reaction was it seemed pretty intense. And to be property, to be used, to be taken…hell, yes, that’s intense. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about Public Disgrace I like and if I could ever be a part of that type of scene. (Sexual safety is obviously key.)

I think I like the objectification/property angle. There are times in my submission I want to be used and to please someone passively, just by being available. I like the empowered slut angle: being comfortable enough to say, “I want this – give it to me. I am insatiable.”

When you think about it, my dessert tray scene and Public Disgrace aren’t that different. Objectification, being used, serving other people…one just has more condoms than chocolate. (Although I did see a Public Disgrace scene where a woman got fucked while balancing a tray of food on her midsection. That was spectacular.)

One of my favorite parts about this 30 Days series and writing this blog has been gaining a greater understanding of my kinks. Not just the surface level kinks: “I like canes” – but a deeper level of what motivates me, where I want to go.

And that’s sexy in and of itself.

RHS

Bend Me, Shape Me

2011-01-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

So, that was intense. I didn’t expect to have kinky gender-bending sex last night with L…

I’ve been struggling with being the pursuer. Not just with L, but with Foxy, too. I’m standing under a lot of social conditioning that says, “I’m a girl. So…seduce me!”

L and I have been talking a lot about how I can dominate him. It’s not about calling him a worm, or beating his ass, or shoving his head between my legs. What I think I’m starting to get is that he wants to be pursued, seduced, and then forced. I think he wants me to get him so turned on that sexual submission and pleasing me just comes naturally.

Well, that sounds like a good plan. How we get from A to B has been problematic, until tonight. L asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted a sexual connection. He poked and prodded, and finally got me to say, “Well, I want you to go down and me, and then I want to fuck your ass.”

What happened from there was a whirlwind of gender-bendy role-play awesomeness – with L being incredibly patient to help me through something that doesn’t come naturally to me. The scene evolved into a horny sixteen-year-old (me) making out with his sixteen-year-old girlfriend (him). I was wearing my strap-on, and with his help I shifted into the horny boy. (To his credit, he did a good job as the reluctant female.)

While we made out, I pulled his hair and kept saying things that, while initially felt ridiculous, seemed to work really well. “You’re making me so hard,” and “I want to feel your hand on my cock.” I’d told him before we all started that I kind of wanted him to suck my cock. Now, L isn’t innately turned on by sucking a silicone dildo – it’s the headspace that takes him there. And so we worked at it, and eventually he went down on me – pussy AND cock. (And yes, it was really hot. And there was more. Oh, yes. There was more.)

I’m really excited – this feels like an incredible breakthrough in figuring out not only how L and I can play together with me as the top, but also to help me be more the pursuer in other relationships.

L’s been trying to help me get to this new headspace, and it’s actually been very frustrating. He’d tell me things like, “Take charge of what you want.” I’d throw up my hands in frustration because I didn’t really know what that looked like. I needed some sort of concrete image and action. I’m especially proud of L, who admits that teaching is not his forte, because he’s been working really hard to mentor me into this new headspace.

I look at Aiden Starr, who embodies one of the top styles I want: she’s curvy, sexy, very female, and very much in charge. She’s about pushing the other person’s limits and taking control of her own pleasure. It seems weird that to get there, I may need to think like a 16-year-old boy. But getting from A to B isn’t always what we think it’ll be.

Now I’m going to go make L some chocolate chip cookies.

RHS

Day 5: Popping the Kink Cherry

2011-01-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Putting aside my masturbatory fantasies with ripped clothing, I’d say my first kinky sexual experience involved glow-in-the-dark body paint. I remember looking in the mirror and feeling unearthly and sexy – it was the first time I’d thought of my body as a canvas and I was fascinated by the way the paint looked on my skin. Since then, sushi, candle wax and chocolate has all been used to similar decorative effect. There’s an intensely erotic emotion attached to being used as a canvas – it taps into a sexualized desire to be beautiful, a desire to be exhibited and shown off, and the desire to feel a variety of sensations, be they hot, cold, sharp, or gooey.

My boyfriend at the time, who has since gone on to save the world via the federal government (we played with handcuffs and pantyhose bondage a bit, too) remains a strong supporter of me and loves hearing about the wacky ways I spend my weekend. I hear a lot about people having a bad first time with kink – their partner is too forceful or doesn’t take the time to understand both people’s kinks – and I’m lucky that my first kinky experience (to me) was with him.

RHS

Day 4: This Might’ve Tipped Us Off…

2011-01-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

This one has been the hardest entry so far to write. I’m more of a live-in-the-moment-I’m-gonna-eat-this-ice-cream-damnit kind of girl…I do more introspection, less retrospection.

But I dutifully go down Memory Lane…no memories of tying up the neighborhood kids…or playing doctor…or putting clothespins on my own labia. I maintain that I grew up mostly vanilla…and then a kinky, evil man named L came along and found my inner kinkster.

And yet.

I’m looking at some of my earlier media choices…and they’re chock-full of guilty pleasures. Oh, I didn’t grow up watching sophisticated, elegant depictions of possibly kinky scenarios. I watched junk. Wonderful, delicious, kinky, highly-underrated junk.

I’ve written before on the glory that is “Cruel Intentions.” I mean, really. The part where Sarah Michelle Gellar says, “you can put it anywhere?” Who didn’t love that? Oh, and the part where she’s stroking his cock through his pants, and then leaves right when he’s breathing hard and squirming? Hello, yum!

And what kinkster doesn’t identify with “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”? All the throat-grabbing, voyeurism, breath play, beatings, lesbians, sadism, torture, hot toppy girls...it’s like a cupcake and ice cream had a baby of delicious hot sexytime. The scene where Drusilla slaps Angel and tells him he’s been a very bad daddy, followed by her prolonged torture via holy water made me squirm in a way I really didn’t understand.

And possibly the guiltiest pleasure of all…”Xena: Warrior Princess.” Forget the violence. Forget the obvious lesbian references to Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship. Forget the leather! The highlight of the show for me was Callisto, the angry, violent, psychotic warrioress whose attachment to Xena blurred the lines of love, hate and obsession. The mind games…the one-upmanship…the screaming…the sheer number of kinky undertones in the show make it perfect for a night of “Drink When There’s Kink.”

Actually, make sure there’s a designated driver or a sleepover if you play. You’ll probably have gone through about fifty different fetishes alone by the time you hit episode three.

RHS

Day 3: You can't spell DISCOVERY without V-I-C-E

2011-01-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I wrote on this a while ago and maybe it’s not so much how I discovered, but how I realized where some of my kinks come from.

This question’s a tough one, and not just tough like “A train leaves Washington at 9 am and another one leaves New York City at 8 am” tough. A lot of kinksters I know say they always knew.

I didn’t.

I don’t really know when I discovered I was kinky. It’s been more of a gradual process. See, my BFF came out to me about being kinky roughly ten years ago.

“He does WHAT to you?”

That’s how the conversation…and eventual conversion began. While my BFF thought of me as her “vanilla friend,” she told me about the wacky things she’d seen and done. A young man being lit on fire while his girl went down on him stands out the most vividly.

Now, after a few years in the public scene, I’ve seen much more extreme play. (Suspension via barbed wire is probably the most hardcore physically, role-playing being killed probably the most intense emotionally.) But back then, my BFF gently and metaphorically took my hand and explained that kinksters weren’t all serial killers and crazies.

Eventually, I met a kinky man with a fondness for the movie “Secretary” and a copy of Anne Rice’s “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.” When we determined that a little light spanking wasn’t going to scare me off, we kept going – exploring kinky desires and thoughts, and eventually entering the public scene.

And we’re quite happy here.

RHS

Making a Mesh of Things

2011-01-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

L and I don’t have the exact same play style. We came into the scene together, and we’ve since found things that we both like and things we don’t. Finding a way to make these styles mesh has been difficult at times.

L is a more traditional, serious BDSM player. He likes rope. He likes canes. He likes tying girls up and making them squirm. As a top, he has a high set of standards, demands to be called “Sir,” and doesn’t take a lot of shit. As a bottom, he wants the same – the classic domme figure most people think about when it comes to kink.

Me? I laugh. I’m more playful. I take joy in your pain (in that it makes me giggle) and wouldn’t mind dressing boys up in pink panties and covering them in glitter. I’m not really into demanding perfection – I’m there to have fun and get a little insight into how people’s brains work. As a bottom, I usually want the same.

Really, L and I aren’t that different – but the way we go about it is. We’re both switches, and we struggle sometimes when playing together. I don’t always want Big Scary Top and he doesn’t like Giggly Girl Top. As switches, it’s hard when neither of us feels like being on top or on bottom.

So what to do when our styles just aren’t meshing that day? Co-top!

As switches, we’ve been practicing with co-topping one or more bottoms at a time. We recently had what I felt was our most successful scene with two lovely switches who took a deep breath and let us do terrible things to them. In going over the scene with L, we talked about what we liked: being able to play together, to talk and interact, to take advantage of the playful adversity between the two bottoms, to take advantage of our own strengths.

For example, I get bored with rope; I don’t have the patience for elaborate rope scenes. I’d just as soon chain you up and start torturing then spend half an hour with the intricacies of bondage. (Not knocking it – it’s just not my forte.) L is great with rope – he’s spent hours and hours understanding how it works, memorizing the ties, and perfecting his craft. But he’s not so much into the sensation play. As a sensation slut, I can think of a thousand things to do just with ice. Does it go in your mouth? Up and down your body? Inside you? Am I going to drip it on you and make you think it’s wax? But L and I are working on how our strengths can complement each other to create a really great scene.

After the scene, someone commented that our bottoms complemented our styles: L had a little bit more of an intense and serious scene, I had a delightfully loud squirmer. (I love squirmers.) I think if we had switched bottoms in the scene, the scene would’ve still been great. I’m working on being able to create a variety of headspaces and types of scenes as a top – so it’s not just about feeling giggly, but making the other person feel scared, sensual, dominated, exhilarated…and ending with a scene that’s hot and intense and a lot of fun for everyone involved.

I think L and I could use some more practice co-topping with each other. Fortunately, I know a few people who have volunteered themselves. Now, to find the duct tape…and rope…and blindfold…and vet wrap...

RHS

Day 2: Like an Old Garden Hose

2011-01-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 2: List your kinks.

Ice cream, pretty girls, cocks…wait, those are things I like putting in my mouth. What were my kinks again? Oh, yes…the things that get me off. Not just the things I really enjoy doing, but the things that get me excited, get me wet, and get me to a happy place.

But just listing my kinks struck me as boring. And kind of lazy. I’m using 30 Days of Kink to go deeper with my introspection to understand what makes me “me.” So, being the friendly neighborhood OCD-er that I am, I organized my kinks by category.

Sexual
BDSM is sexual for me. It doesn’t always have to be, but I usually play that way. Besides everyone’s favorite deviant behaviors of anal sex, oral sex, pegging, strap-ons, sex in public, body worship and exhibitionism, I love the erotic torture component to a scene. I don’t mean pain – I mean pleasure…specifically the prolonging of it to the point of intensity. Edging (staying at that part right before you come as long as possible) is something I’ve always done before I knew it had a name. Tease and denial is another way I love to play, but I haven’t found many people in my life who enjoy the game as much as me. It’s less about denial for me than it is about building anticipation. (I want to have my ice cream and eat it too!) Turning someone on…getting them worked up…making them wait for it…then eventually giving in is just plain sextastic. There’s even a delightful game – “tease until you safeword.” The players take turns teasing, turning each other on, until someone has to throw in the towel because they’re about to come, jump the other person, or possibly both. You torment me, I’ll torment you…everybody wins!

Being a Bitch
I tell people I’m not a bitch goddess. I’m not really a sadist – but if you like pain, I’m happy to oblige. Caning, cock and ball torture, being nice and then pulling out a toy that’s going to hurt…these are all my more common physical expressions of the inner bitch, but there’s more to it. I like fucking with people’s heads in a consensual way. I love what I call “exploiting your kryptonite” - it’s knowing they have a thing for fishnets, high heels, or frosting and using that kink to turn the other person on or consensually manipulate them in some way.

Vulnerability
I don’t think I play with a lot of intense emotions in scenes, but vulnerability is one of the ones that’s incredibly cathartis and hot. Whether I’m begging or crawling, being restrained, having my clothes cut off, being forced to physically pleasure someone, having my hair pulled…all those delightful expressions of someone else’s dominance over me sends me pretty high into subspace. I haven’t yet gotten to the point with anyone where I’m ready to put them in intense vulnerable situations. I’m coming close with Foxy Candy, and as we keep playing and ramping up the intensity, I know I’ll find ways to give her those same feelings. But it can be emotionally intense, and not anything to run into too quickly.

Whee!
I like to laugh and have fun when I play. That’s why I call it play. I love kinky games like Tic Tac Ow and Human Chessboard. I love flirting and banter. I love bets, dares and competitions – especially when there’s something sexy going on.

Sensational
I do the “woo-woo sensation stuff,” as Eveybird says. Ice cubes, biting, candle wax, knives, pressure points…all the tools you can use to do more than just beat on someone is something that comes naturally to me, though I’ve recently struggled with explaining how to do it and enjoy it. A lot of people don’t get the point. For some people, it’s a distraction, or it’s boring, or they just want you to beat them. To them, I say: sensation play creates intimate scenes for me – the tools I use are extensions of my own body. I’m a sensation slut – I crave physical touch and sensations – so this kind of play is incredibly gratifying to me and any sensations sluts I’m topping or bottoming to.

RHS

Day 1: Let It Begin!

2011-01-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink! I stole the idea from The Eveybird, who stole it from Insatiable Desire. Yes, I am a follower. What of it?

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Boy, they don’t start out with the easy questions, do they? I’m a switch-bottom-submissive-top-toy-maid-mean girl-princess-tease…so what does that mean?

Switch. I like doing things to people. I like things being done to me. I identify as roughly half top, half bottom – it depends on my mood and what’s going on in my life. Stress usually leads to submission, relaxation usually leads to a toppy slut. I especially love switching me; I’ve had scenes where my partner does something that tips me the other way, and sometimes back again. It’s an incredible sensation that makes me feel not only like they really know me, but makes me feel very connected to them. More on switching…

Bottom. I make a personal difference between bottoming and submission, bottoming involving giving up less control for me. I love attention, and I love playing, though I only bottom to a few special people. Most of my kinks I like to receive are the same ways I enjoy topping: sensation play, tease and denial, exhibitionism and playing games (Human chessboard, anyone?). Bottoming gives me a place where I can relax and exist in a different headspace. I can just enjoy the sensations and become a human plaything. I can narrow my focus and concentrate on service I’m giving. More on bottoming…

Submissive. I do feel more submissive when stressed, but giving up control isn’t a surface kink for me - I don’t instantly get excited at the thought. It involves trust and being vulnerable, two areas where I’ve always struggled. L and I have talked about ways to integrate a D/s relationship into our play and lives and have discussed protocol and obedience. There is a freedom in letting go of your choices and giving up control…but it isn’t easy.

Top. Sometimes I can just hit my partner and be a bitch. More frequently, I have an intimate play style: lots of touching, there’s an attraction and sexual element. I identify as a service top. I do have a small sadistic streak; I like being nice and then doing something cruel. I consider myself a light player and enjoy being playful. My favorite ways to top are (unsurprisingly) my favorite ways to bottom: sensation play, tease and denial, caning, playing games…and I love giggly, cuddly aftercare. I’m not into serious protocol or obedience when topping. My biggest goal? Having fun and enjoying myself. More on top identities…

Dominant. I rarely identify as “a dominant.” I do with Little Sister, because I’m the one who makes choices about things like where we eat or what we do when we hang out. Since she identifies as a slave and I like taking care of her, this dynamic works out well for both of us. I once read the difference between a dominant as a top as: “when wrapping rope around someone, the top walks around their partner. The dominant tells their partner to spin around.” I’d say while there are parts of me that are dominant, I don’t identify as “a dominant.”

RHS

Bottoms Up

2010-12-29T17:32:00.000-08:00

I’d given a lot of thought to my different personas when topping. So I thought I should give some thought to my personas when bottoming.

So, this one friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, came up with a really neat way to talk about submission. He does a better job of it than I will, so you can read his words, but the part I really liked was talking about submission as active or passive. In my favorite example he used in a class to explain the difference, he talked about fellatio as the difference between “giving head or having your face fucked.”

Like my top personas, there’s crossover and overlap. Sometimes my toyspace can be sexual…sometimes I’m service-oriented as a toy. But I wanted to come up with some general personas for my own gratification, and so my partners can have a better understanding. Plus, who knows – maybe you read this and one of the personas interests you enough to do your own introspection.

And you’d better have some ice cream while you think.

The Toy
Usually accompanied by bouts of giggling, toyspace is a headspace in which I feel shiny and fun – you know, like a toy. I’m a plaything. The focus of the scene is to be a passive vessel of fun and pleasure, though there’s less of a sexual element. I want to please my top, but I want to have fun, too. I want to feel special, that you’re choosing to play with me because you want to, not because I’m going to obey you. There are usually games – like Human Hangman and Tic Tac Ow. This is one of my more frequent play personas and usually done with Her Majesty.

The Slut
I need to explain this one? I’m horny and eager and there for your pleasure. I want to be used and fucked and teased and played with. The focus of the scene is going to be sweet monkey lovin’. As a bottom in slut space, I’m passive and am more like a sex toy; I do have a slutty top persona – I’m still horny, but I’m going to take pleasure, not just receive it.

The French Maid
All about the service. There are times when I want the world to go away and I can focus on doing things that please my partner, like foot rubs and massages. I prefer to actively serve - suggesting ideas for what L or Her Majesty would like rather than waiting for their command. However, when the brain is fried (and served with a side of pickles), it's easier to just do what I'm told.

The Little
This is a special category. I don’t do sexualized ageplay – unless I’m pretending to be a high-schooler. When I do ageplay, I become an 8-year-old girl who loves fairy wings and coloring books and the zoo. There are elements of little play that come into my topping styles - love of games, bright colors and giggling - but when I'm decorating cookies, watching "The Little Mermaid" or coloring pictures of ponies, I go to my little place.

RHS

Switch It Up

2010-12-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

I identify as a switch – someone who likes giving and receiving, being dominant and submissive, topping and bottoming…just at different times.

(General I make a distinction between dominant and top and submissive and bottom, but for this post I’m using them interchangeably.)

Switches have gotten a bad rap in the past. We’re confused. We can’t find anyone to top/bottom us, so we’ve started bottoming/topping just to get some play. We’re really a slave who hasn’t found the right master. We’re greedy.

Ok, that last one is true.

But it’s not really a fair assessment. I feel like one’s power orientation is just as much a spectrum as gender and sexuality. I might feel like a very feminine, bisexual toy one night – and then feel like a tomboyish, heterosexual top the next.

I’ve met a lot of people that I would consider myself more dominant than, and lots of people I consider myself less dominant than. I don’t see my power orientation as “I am always submissive, no matter who I am with.” I see it more like “I’m definitely more toppy than him, but I’m a little bit more submissive than her.” Different people trigger my orientation – With Her Majesty and L, 9 times out of 10 I get into a submissive headspace. But with Little Sister, I’m dominant – I’m Big Sister who’s in charge and dedicated to making sure she’s ok and happy.

And just like I’m in the mood for different clothes, food and hobbies at different times, so my mood changes to reflect my power orientation. Whether I feel like being in charge or being in control varies and is largely affected by my life.

When I get stressed at work or with my relationships, I tend to become more submissive. I want someone to be in charge so I can relax and not think. This doesn’t mean I avoid my problems; it’s like watching a movie after a hard day.

I tend to feel more dominant when I feel relaxed and in control. Sassy, bratty subs tend to trigger my toppy instincts. I find it very difficult to resist games and challenges. Playing with a new person or with someone who hasn’t tried something yet (candle wax, CBT, paddles) also brings out my inner top.

I’m told by older members of the kink community that the rules used to be more rigid, the labels more permanent. They’ve told me that the newer generation of kinksters are more fluid and accepting of a spectrum of orientation, rather than putting everyone in an “either/or” binary box.

I’m proud of the kinksters who struggled with their non-binary orientation and put themselves out there so future kinksters could feel safer and comfortable with their identity. I’m proud of the people who struggled with sexual and gender orientation – I feel the queer, the trans, the bi (and more!) gals and guys of the community have helped broaden people’s views.

And I’m proud to say: I’m a switch.

RHS

Ripped

2010-12-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

It must be Clothes Week over here. I’d written about cross-dressing earlier in the week and how clothes can change you and shape your identity. Today, I’m thinking about how taking it off can be just as amazing.

And by “taking it off,” I mean ripping it. Cutting it. Tearing it. Yum.

I remember watching a movie when I was much younger and the people were wearing tattered clothing. I don't know why - I think there was a shipwreck or something. But I do remember afterwards taking a pair of black leggings and cutting holes in them, then masturbating furiously.

To this day, clothes with holes are just sexy to me. They can even come like that: assless vinyl skirts, open-tip bras, crotchless panties – hooray! The sensation of wearing clothes but still being exposed is another one of those sexy juxtapositions I so love.

You can even make your own easy-access clothes! My first scene with Shiny Cupcake was one where she cut off my sweater with a knife. (I was the bad schoolgirl who brought a knife to school, but the sexy teacher had a bigger, sharper knife…and then there was awesomeness.) From then on, I knew I wanted more of this kind of play. I now have a drawer full of clothes perfect for cutting, ripping, and generally destroying in scenes. (Lately I’ve been wanting to do a scene where I’m wearing full stockings and the crotch is cut away with a knife.)

The upshot to this kink is Goodwill is cheap, and most girls have stockings with runs that they can't wear out anymore. Plus, as a top, you can get easy access to the good bits.

But there's more. This kink lends itself to creating a certain kind of headspace. My clothes are my protection. By cutting them off, it’s like my partner is removing my defenses, making me exposed and vulnerable. My clothes are my identity; ripping or tearing them is like chipping away at who I am. The violence to the fabric is symbolic violence to my own skin (or possible foreshadowing of violence done to me later.) It can be intense – it’s domination and forced exhibitionism and all sorts of tasty, sexy things wrapped up into one kink.

And for me, it’s on my to-do list…soon.

RHS

Cross-Dressing

2010-12-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been on holiday for a couple of weeks, and have now returned stateside with a delightful new author: Sarah Waters. I stumbled across her and picked up a copy of her first book, Tipping the Velvet - a coming of age story set in England in the 1890s. The story focuses on Nan, a young woman who falls in love with another woman, a male impersonator. The story was engaging and the book well-written – the author weaves in themes of gender, class, sexism, power…not to mention scenes with strap-ons, gender-bending, exhibitionism and elements of D/s…you know, the good stuff.

But what has stuck with me the most was the cross-dressing. (I know. You thought it was going to be all the sexy dildo scenes.) As a woman in Victorian England, Nan has worn skirts her whole life. She describes the first time she put on pants as incredibly sexually arousing. She finds power in dressing as a man, and remarks that she has more impact, she is more memorable, she feels sexier when she is dressed as a man.

I was mesmerized by how Nan describes feeling when she’s dressed as a man. Now, I love costumes and dressing up. I understand the influence what I’m wearing has over my mood and my body. But I honestly haven’t given much thought to cross-dressing as a personal kink. I’m a woman in modern America – I can wear pants if I want to. I can wear boxers – hell, I can sport a jockstrap if I wanted. But it’s never occurred to me. (I have always preferred the forbidden.)

I’ve met several people in the scene who were into cross-dressing and gender fucks. Talking with them is always interesting and I think I understand a little bit about the motivation behind cross-dressing. It seems like power is a big part – wanting to feel more or less powerful, depending on how you equate the clothing. Wanting to feel sexy, or helpless in the case of forced feminization or masculinization. I’m a bit in awe of people who share this kink – it’s a fetish that strikes at the core of identity and plays with one of our most basic concepts.

So I started thinking about cross-dressing. I recently spoke with a cross-dressing friend about wanting to dress someone up like they were my own personal doll. (Now I’m thinking of a scene where I’m in little space and am making my male baby-sitter try on princess clothes with me. Heehee!) But if I were being dressed up entirely like a man…I’m not sure what that would feel like. I love skirts and rarely wear pants; if it’s lacy, feminine, or girly, I’ll likely want it. So no make-up…no jewelry…no panties, no bra…I can’t imagine dressing in a way that removes every trace of my femininity; I think I would feel as though something like something fundamentally part of me was taken away.

A little under a year ago, I missed a gender-bending-themed party at a local kink space and was pretty bummed. I had wanted to wear a strap-on with boxer shorts – or maybe a strap-on with something feminine and frilly. To me, there’s a sexiness of juxtaposing the male and female. Maybe it’s my love of messing with people’s expectations of a binary system. Maybe it’s a way to tap into the strengths of both genders.

Either way, it got me thinking.

RHS

Vulnerable: A Husband's Perspective

2010-11-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

When I posted my entry Vulnerable, L said he might like to post a response to it. I encouraged him to do so, and this is what he wrote:

A few weeks ago, my wife wrote about fantasizing about another guy while she was with me. While a message like that is far from desirable, I view it as almost inevitable in any kind of long term relationship—how often these messages are communicated is another matter. It takes courage and trust to communicate a message that you know people aren’t going to like hearing. As you have read, my reaction to this message was surprisingly cool-headed. In fact, it was so cool-headed that it even surprised me. I’ve spent some time trying to understand why I didn’t react with anger like most people would.

Criticizing my wife and declaring her behavior unacceptable is the natural reaction for most of us. But this kind of reaction brings hate and hostility into the relationship, and it focuses on the problem’s presentation, not the root. Reacting with hostility would create a situation where RHS is encouraged to lie. If she knows she is going to get emotionally punished (not in a fun way) for sharing her thoughts, then she can reason to keep it “her little secret” with no punishment at all. Besides, how much sense does it make to punish a person for their thoughts? The Catholic Church does that and the results speak for themselves.

Instead, I listened to what she had to say and try to understand their reason behind her thoughts and feelings. Doing this built trust in our relationship and enabled us to grow closer. Because she shared, we are now able to look at the root of the problem before it becomes a big problem.

I think everyone would agree that building trust is better than keeping secrets, so why is the expected response defensiveness and anger? And why was my response different? These are questions I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks. The answer I have is that the source of anger in this situation comes from insecurity and unrealistic expectations.

I think a lot of men (and women) are insecure about their sexuality. The obvious proof of this is men’s over-obsession with the size of their dicks (and women’s over-obsession with their looks). I’m not an expert in understanding insecurities, but I think sexual security helps to temper the threat of such a message. Being in a polyamorous relationship, security is something I have practice with.

Also, is it realistic is it to go through life never once experiencing desire for someone else once you are in a committed relationship? This question is one of life’s little taboos that no one talks about. I think a lot of people have this expectation because of how TV shows and movies portray love. It’s just too bad that they never move beyond the first 5 minutes of a relationship. Personally, I think never experiencing sexual desire for someone else for the rest of your life once you’re in a committed relationship is unrealistic, regardless of however desirable it may be. Judging by the number of people who cheat or get divorced, it appears my thesis holds some weight.

After all this thinking, I feel I reacted differently because I was secure enough that didn’t feel threatened, and my expectations of a long-term relationship weren’t breached. Thus, I didn’t react with defensiveness or anger which enabled me to grow the relationship. For all the talking from naysayers about how polyamory destroys relationships, I think this is an excellent example of how it can strengthen one.

I Want You to Hurt Me

2010-11-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

“you’ll wanna hear about my new obsession / i’m riding high upon a deep depression”
-Garbage, Only Happy When It Rains

I feel good when I feel bad.

This bothered me for a long time, and I thought there was something wrong with me. Why would someone want to feel hurt or depressed?

And then I came into the scene. I met people who craved physical pain. In talking to these masochists who loved the sting of the whip, the thud of the flogger, the smack of a bare hand, I realized that I’m an emotional masochist.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about emotional masochism and what it means. I think part of it comes from the eroticizing of wanting. I've talked before about how erotic it can be for me to want and not have, and I recognize that sometimes there's a part of me that's is only happy when I want, when I am not full and satisfied. I relish in the emotional pain and wallow in the negative feelings. I know I fall in love easily – I wonder if it’s because I love the new shiny high, but that part of me also enjoys the crash when a relationship ends.

It sounds sick and twisted to my brain. I think, “That can’t be healthy.”

And then I remember the masochists. While I don’t identify as a pain slut myself, there are a few types of pain that I enjoy and want more of – deep pressure points and caning are two of my favorite types of pain. And I know there are masochists out there who desire that sensation of being hurt and need a good beating every now and then.

Maybe I need a good emotional beating every now and then.

The more I thought about this, the more excited and scared I got. The same nervous/erotic tingle I get when I think of play rape and gangbang scenes came up as I was talking to L about trying to have scenes that are emotionally masochistic.

After L and I had an intense experience where I opened up to him, there was a feeling of increased trust and intimacy. I felt cleansed. I expect many physical masochists feel the same way.

Maybe having these intentionally emotionally rough scenes is a safe way for me to fill that part of me. I’ve noticed that when some of my poly needs are being filled – whether it’s attention, or feeling desired, or being comforted – I’m less likely to seek unhealthy ways of meeting those needs.

This is going to be hard. I have a lot of questions and doubts. It’s not a kink or play style that comes normally to L - would he be able to meet this need for me? What would the scenes even look like? Would he call me names and degrade me, tell me I’m worthless – which plays into one of my biggest negative triggers? Worst of all, could this damage our relationship?

It’s a lot to think about. I want to go slowly and safely. But the most important question I realized I needed to ask was: did I think it could help me in a healthy way?

And I don’t know yet.

RHS

On the Edge

2010-11-20T13:21:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling where you’re a few seconds away from coming? I love that feeling. I want to keep it going as long as I can. It’s like being at the very top of a roller coaster ride a split second before the drop – the intensity of arousal, the high and the anticipation all mix together to create this amazing feeling that I never want to end.

And it’s called “edging.”

I learned this at the cock worship class I went to a few months ago. I’d always loved the sensation, but never knew it had a name. (I always feel better when things have a name.)

So you get close – and then you back off a little. Then you get close to coming again, and then back off. And you keep doing this until you decide to come, or just deny yourself, or – in what’s usually my case – your body says, “Screw you, I’m going to come right now and you can’t stop me!”

I liken it to eating ice cream. (Of course I do.) Sure, when you finish you feel good and satisfied. But I get greater satisfaction from savoring the ice cream, the hunger for the taste, and taking pleasure in the act of enjoyment.

As I’ve said, I’m a big fan of tease and denial. I’ve sometimes called it “wanting but not having,” which is an incredibly erotic experience for me. There’s a delicious imbalance of the hunger, of not feeling full and satisfied, that’s a big turn-on for me. I think edging fits in well with this part of my kink – being so close to satisfaction and release but denying it or prolonging it adds an extra dimension of hotness.

In fact, I think I might have to do some more “field research” on the subject. In the name of science, of course…

RHS

Sexual Manipulation

2010-11-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

So I was watching Cruel Intentions the other night. You remember it - the teen remake of Dangerous Liaisons? The one with Sarah Michelle Gellar as a coke addict and Ryan Phillipe as a charming womanizer?

Yeah, you remember. (And are you done mocking me for watching it?) Ok, so it's not a "Best Picture" contender, but I think it's vastly underrated. The movie's assets aside, what I found most interesting was how watching it ten years ago influenced my kink.

The movie is hot. It just is. I was watching it with Foxy and we were commenting on how much D/s is in the film: power exchange, a bet, physical dominance, sexual manipulation...it makes me melt.

So I've added sexual manipulation as one of my own personal kinks and turn-ons. Now I don't mean just using sex to get what I want - at least not in the strictest sense. (Consent is an important part of BDSM, and non-consensual manipulation is not on the table for me.)

When I say sexual manipulation, I mean using it in a consensual, safe way to create a hot scene that incorporates the power exchange that so many of us get hard/wet for. Sexual manipulation is just using your partner's sexual energy to your own advantage or desire.

Sexual manipulation could be considered similar to tease and denial, which is one of my favorite ways to play. I don't play this game with just anyone, but there's something incredibly satisying about turning someone on and turning them loose. Granted, most of the time I'm more into the teasing and less the denial. But knowing you're turning the other person on and having them at your mercy sounds like a fantastic way to spend an evening.

While sexual manipulation isn't just to get what I want, it's a damn nice bonus. I'm envisioning a scene where I get my partner a little worked up, then lay out the conditions: they give me whatever I want, and if I'm pleased, they'll be rewarded. I'm imagining the look on their face - lips slightly parted, eyes full of want, muscles tense from desire. Watching them struggle with their own physical desire and the desire to please...yum.

I love making people confess their turn-ons and using them in scenes. Whether it's hand worship, fishnets, forced oral, rope, or biting, it's incredibly powerful to hold the keys to turning someone on in your hands. For me, using my partner's own fetishes to get them even more worked up reinforces the power dynamic - "I know you love when I wear vinyl, so I wore it on purpose just to turn you on." With a change of attitude and headspace, the same act can be very submissive, but as a top it's done with a different intent. I've turned you on - now it's my choice what I do with your sexual energy.

I love switching - and switching mid-scene is especially sexy. A lot of people in the scene are into "switch fights," which seem to manifest largely as wrestling matches. Sexual manipulation lends itself nicely to a little competition between switchy partners. I came up with a game in which the partners take turns playing on the other person's turn-ons until someone has to tap out because they just can't take any more teasing. Playing a one-upmanship game with sexual overtones feeds into two of my favorite kinks.

For some people, mixing kink and sex is a hard limit that they're just not into. For others, sexual manipulation forms the core of almost all of their scenes. For me, it hits all sorts of happy buttons in my head - game-playing, control, desire, and power - that take the scene from "hot" to "absolutely boiling."

Now, if you don't mind - I'm going to rewatch a few select scenes from the movie. Now where did I put the Hitachi?

RHS

Vulnerable

2010-11-14T16:37:00.000-08:00

I have many fantasies where I’m sexually vulnerable and helpless. I dream of being tied up, having my clothes cut off, and being sexually violated by any number of people, unable to escape, and must submit to being used…

…I’m sorry, I got distracted. Where was I? Oh, right: emotional vulnerability. That’s not nearly as sexy. But yesterday morning marked a turning point for me. I was in bed cuddling with L when I told him I wanted his cock in my mouth. Ever happy to oblige, L rolled over and I squirmed down his body to get to work.

But I wasn’t thinking about L’s cock. I was thinking about someone else’s: a play partner who has since moved away – someone who had an almost unfailing record for turning me on. I’ve spent the past few months trying not to think about him, but this morning the thoughts crept into my head.

As a polyamorous, self-admitted slut with what amounts to a husband and three girlfriends, other people clearly aren’t a problem for me. What bothered me was that thinking about someone else with L’s cock in my mouth felt like cheating.

And after I came, when L flipped me onto my stomach to fuck me, I was flooded with emotions – guilt and shame chief among them. What kind of partner was I to fantasize about someone else when I have a perfectly wonderful, sexy, loving, and giving husband right in front of me?

I understand fantasy, that it’s ok to think about other people, that different people meet different needs. But this particular person and set of circumstances set me off, and as L slid in and out of me, I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted him to punish me, to degrade me. I asked him to call me a whore, a word that’s always been on the “no-no” list for all my partners.

L, not knowing what was going on in my head but trying to give me what I needed, told me I was his whore.

“And do you know how I know you’re my whore?” he asked, and without waiting for an answer, flipped me onto my back, shifted his body and came on my breasts. He collapsed on top of me and held me tight. I’d already been crying; now the tears flowed even faster.

He just held me for a while, giving me time to let it out. After a while, he told me to start talking. I could talk about anything I wanted, but he knew something was wrong, and wanted to get me to a place where I could talk about it.

I told him I was scared that being completely open and honest right now would hurt our relationship and could cause a fight. He just told me he loved me, and that he was listening.

So I told him. I told him I’d been thinking about someone else, and I told him who.

L told me that while he doesn’t condone the behavior, he understands it. He said that desire’s a funny thing, and he didn’t feel threatened. He fully expects me to be attracted to other guys, just like he’s attracted to other girls. Repressing it isn’t healthy. He said if it was possible, he’d probably tell me get a dose of reality by fucking this other guy because fantasy is always better than reality.

I agreed, and told him I didn’t want to rely on fantasy. I didn’t want to be reminded of something I didn’t and couldn’t have, and I didn’t want to start continually comparing the two people in my mind. L would always come up short, because the fantasy is always perfect.

L squeezed me tighter and told me I was being too hard on myself, and told me again that he loved me.

In that moment, everything changed.

I wasn’t worried about the fantasy and all the issues that brought up for me. In that moment, I realized I had been completely honest with my partner – in spite of being scared – and everything turned out okay.

I still have to work on this whole fantasy issue. But in the meantime, even though it was hard and scary, I had reached a deeper level of intimacy with my husband, my primary partner, my hero. I felt closer to him, full of trust and security that I can open myself up, be vulnerable…

…and he would still love me.

RHS

Security Blanket, Please

2010-11-08T22:02:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write sexy porn erotica today - I really did. But something was weighing on my mind: a few weeks ago, one of my partners talked to me about developing a new relationship/playship with someone else in the scene.

My secondary relationships aren’t closed – they’re free to do whatever with whomever. I do ask that they let me know and that they’re safe. I want my partners to have happy, fulfilling relationships with other people and, unless it’s with someone I might take issue with, most people are fair game.

I love polyamory. I love loving multiple people and getting lots of needs met. I love feeling satisfied and full and loved and amazing. I don’t always love that polyamory can force me to face my own insecurities. And when my partner said she was thinking about adding someone else, it hit the insecurity button. So I sat down and really thought about what bothered me – what was I worried about?

I was worried that this new person would be similar to me in play style and personality – and then I’m not special or worth making time for. I was worried that even worse, that she’d be better than me: smarter, sexier, more fun, more energetic. I was worried that this new person would get more time and that my partner would want to be with this new person more than me.

And after running around the house for a blanket to cuddle after naming all my fears, I thought about what I needed to feel secure in my relationships. I was mostly getting what I needed: touch, communication, time. And I realized my biggest fear was of being replaced by someone like me, but better. What do you do when one of your partners has another partner who could “steal” your role in their life?

This is a tough one. While my partners are all very different, they do fill similar or overlapping roles. I have two tops, L and Her Majesty, whose different play styles let me be dominated in different ways. I have two bottoms, Foxy and My Toy, whose different play styles that lets me explore different ways of topping.

All of my partners contribute to my emotional well-being, but in different ways. For example, all my partners make me feel strong in different ways. My Toy trusts me to push her limits. Foxy is able to be vulnerable with me. Her Majesty has seen me at my weakest and still tells me I’m ten feet tall. And L’s unflagging confidence that I can be who I want to be – all these make me feel strong. My partners all turn me on, make me feel valued, and help me in different ways, but with the same result.

So I don’t have to worry that someone can take my place – because nobody can give my partners what I give them the way I give it to them. Someone else might make L feel smart, make Foxy feel courage, make Her Majesty feel magical, make My Toy feel sexy…

…but never exactly the way I do.

RHS

Foxerotica

2010-11-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty exhausting Friday night. However, I had planned at least one scene with Foxy on Saturday where we introduced sensation play to another little fox. It turned out this was the little fox's first real scene.

I’ve been a lot of people's kink firsts. I like to joke that if I lived in the Wild West, I'd be the schoolteacher or the whore they send virgins to. I like introducing people to new experiences, but it can be hard. Like a one-night stand, you don't know the person's responses, pain tolerance levels, experience, and general energy. I think we all had a good time, though I wished I'd had more energy.

You see, I'd asked Foxy to bring a dildo, anal toy and Hitachi. Unfortunately, by the time we'd finished the sensation play scene, I was really too tired to play more. (Foxy did get a backrub, but was understandably disappointed by the lack of sexytime.)

So I had a brilliant idea. Foxy loves erotic writing. Possibly as much as she loves hands, and being spoken about in the third person. And I love pressing her buttons.

And Foxy? You can't touch yourself while reading this. Nope. You absolutely may not. I'm not kidding. Hands where I can see them.

I think I'll start with you tied face-up with a blindfold on one of the bondage tables. You're naked. You're spread-eagle. And it's hot. You'll have an anal plug inside of you, its weight filling you up, stretching sensitive muscles.

I start by running my hands and nails all over your body. You shiver at first - my hands are a bit cold - but soon they warm up as I explore your body. Tonight I want you to feel as sexy and desirable as you are. I will be mostly nice - and maybe a little mean. One day, maybe I'll be able to slap you in the face before dragging you to your knees by your hair and forcing your mouth onto the silicone dildo - but not tonight.

So I start with your hands. I love that you have a hand fetish. I love that I can gently stroke your fingers in public and get you worked up without anyone knowing. And I stroke them now, lightly touching and stroking. I add in my mouth, sucking on the ends of your fingers and working my tongue in between, tickling the sensitive spots. I keep going until I can see you biting your lip, your hips moving against the table.

I whisper to you, "You know, I bet we could do just a handplay scene." I chuckle softly when the inevitable soft moan escapes your lips.

I look over your body, spread out before me, waiting to be devoured, played with, used. I move down to your breasts. With them, I am less gentle. With your breasts, I am rougher. There is licking and sucking, but there is also teeth and nails. You are straining against the ropes, enjoying the sensations but wanting more.

I move down your body, lavishing attention on your skin with my mouth and hands. I jump onto the table and push my body against yours so you can feel the dildo and harness I'm wearing. I thump the dildo against your thigh, prompting a laugh and a shake of your head. I move my body between your thighs and rub the head of the cock between your lips. I lean forward onto my hands and nip you on the collarbone.

"Ask for it," I order.

'Please?" you say, sounding uncertain.

I shake my head, make tsk-tsk noises. "That's not how we ask for things we want. Don't you want me to fuck you?"

You nod your head and whimper. "Yes! Please. Please, miss. Please fuck me."

"Well, since you asked so politely..." I thrust into you, and I love the sound you make as you're filled. Your hips move with mine, slowly at first, then more and more urgent. I rake my claws across your chest, bite your nipple, push you on to climax.

I debate grabbing the Hitachi, but decide I have a more evil plan to use it in a tease and denial scene for another night. I keep fucking you, enjoying your squirming and sexy sounds. And it is when I lick your ear and whisper that tons of people are watching that you let out a drawn-out moan, tense up, and come.

You fall back against the table and I stroke your hair once before sliding out. I untie your arms and legs, then pull the condom off the dildo and wriggle out of the harness. I curl up next to you, stroking your body and filling you with warm, loving energy. You snuggle up against me and I relax with your arms around me.

RHS

A Return to Kink

2010-11-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was excited. I was scared. I was about to play publicly for the first time in a month - since the weekend of my catharsis scene and Foxy's abduction scene. There had been a lot of changes in my life - some people leaving, some people becoming a bigger part of my life. L and I tried switching more, Foxy and I added D/s into our relationship.

Seems like the perfect time for an intense foursome orgy scene, right?

I wanted sexy funtime with My Toy. My Toy, who is not an exhibitionist, is more comfortable with very sexual scenes in more private environments - like the house party scheduled for Friday the 29th. She and I had played with both L and Her Majesty in separate three-person scenes, so it seemed natural to invite them both into my scene to create even more hotness.

And it was my scene, which was strange at first. L and Her Majesty are the only people I bottom to on a regular basis. They both have pretty different topping styles. They're both very dominant. I'd been in contact with them both regarding toys, limits, the feeling I wanted for the scene, etc. But I had no idea how the scene would go.

As it turns out, the scene was hot and amazing. After spending a few hours flitting around in my fairy costume, the four of us converged on a large bondage table for wax, rope, strapons, and sexy kinky fun. Some of my favorite parts:

-giving L head while fucking My Toy
-thrusting into My Toy when Her Majesty pulled the hair clips off My Toy's body
-the designs Her Majest made on my skin with wax under the blacklight
-being fingered by L while having my strapon sucked

There were probably a bunch more, but as many subs/bottoms/slaves/switches know - it's hard to remember a whole sexy awesome scene in its entirety!

While there was some tension, the scene embodied one of my favorite ways to play - as a middle. Sometime I was doing things to My Toy, sometimes L and Her Majesty were doing things to me. Some people see a binary view of kink: you're the master, or you're the slave. But I love the fluidity of my identity. I can be in charge and I can submit - sometimes even within the same scene.

I learned a lot that night. Energy and dynamics of the people involved in the scene is very important. A clear understanding of ways to play and be involved is important so nobody feels left out. I need aftercare as a top/middle.

And - this is very important - you can never have too much lube.

Stay tuned for the next post on Saturday night's Halloween fun!

RHS

Your Eyes On Me

2010-10-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

In the dungeon, I am not naked - I’m just not wearing any clothes. I am comfortable – picking up toys after a scene, chatting with friends, running around giggling. But I am not naked.

With you, I am naked. With your eyes on me, I am acutely aware I am on display. I am exposed – every part of me available for your eyes to explore and enjoy.

I am so often aroused by teasing clothes - short skirts that my ass peeks out from under, sheer fabric, clothes with strategic holes cut out of them...but with your eyes on me, nothing is more erotic than my own naked skin.

I can feel myself getting wet, my body becoming more sensitive. I can feel my nipples tighten, the piercings making them achingly sensitive. I can feel your eyes traveling down my body, visually nibbling all the places you enjoy – my legs, my breasts, my hips, my ass. You do love my ass.

I want to flirt with you, tease you, turn the tables. But I’m frozen by your stare, unable to think for the rising electric arousal dancing on my skin. I want you to walk closer, to touch me, to feel your breath, your mouth on my body. But you just stare, your eyes heating up my body. My breathing comes faster - I can feel a soft whimper force its way from my mouth.

I swallow hard, biting back the words that bubble up from deep inside - words that would beg you to touch me, stroke me, tease me. Words that would beg you to let me touch you, lick you, please you. My tongue on your ear, my nails light on your inner thigh, your finger in my mouth.

With your eyes on me, I am naked, aching for your touch.

RHS

Photo by Bad Kitty Photography. To inquire, e-mail badkitty222@gmail.com.

Red Light, Green Light

2010-10-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

I love games. I’ve always had a playful nature, and I can thank Her Majesty for showing me how games can be integrated into BDSM (Human Hangman, anyone?) And now I have a new favorite game. It's called "Red Light, Green Light" and I like to play it with My Toy.

My Toy, who calls me Princess, is fearless and strong and lets me push away the stresses of the day by making her my toy. I get to do wicked filthy things to her because I want to. I get to help her transform from a woman with a job, stress, problems, groceries, and all the minutiae of daily life...into a toy meant for fun and pleasure.

We are still early in our relationship, which means I have to send a lot ridiculously hot texts at work to see how she responds. (My life is so very tough.) I try to make her squirm and blush and I come up with ideas to see what she likes (green) and what she doesn't (red).

Here are some of my favorite things I've suggested...

"Open your mouth, please. Hold the flogger handle between your teeth. If you can hold onto it while I rip the duct tape off your breasts, you can have a good girl spanking."

"I'm going to take your vibrator and use it on you for five minutes. If you can be a brave girl and push your limits for me, then you'll get some fireplay after."

"One day we're going to play a guessing game. I put pieces of duct tape all over you, then number them randomly. You have to pick a number between 1 and 20, and then riiiip!"

"Spread your legs wider - I want to see you get wet while I pour hot wax all over your thighs."

"Lay face down on the table, little slut toy. I'm going to attach little metal hair clip zippers down your legs while you play with your pussy. Then I'm going to yank them off right as you come."

Games are fun. Now I need to find someone to send me ridiculously hot texts at work...

RHS

e[lust] #22

2010-10-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Evocative Abyss

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #22? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Important e[lust] update: e[lust] will be going on hiatus for the holidays. The editions for November and December would both occur around the holidays and I know I'll be short on both submissions and judges as well as personal time. e[lust] #22 will return in January, with ample advance warning, so please make sure you're subscribed for updates!

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

D/s Without the D/s? - This is one of those situations in a real time D/s relationship where much of the “fun” aspects of the D/s needs to be stuffed in the closet for a bit. And for us, it’s not a great time to be either a masochist or a sadist. We can deal with that.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Yes, Jelly Sex Toys Can be Dangerous - Even if a jelly rubber toy says “phthalate-free”, it still can contain toxic chemicals that can cause skin reactions in some people. These toys are still non-porous and can harbor dirt and bacteria because they cannot be sanitized.

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Unfortunately, this edition has no Top Three picks as I didn't have enough volunteer judges. If you'd like to volunteer to help, visit this page to find out more info and ensure that the Top Three picks continue.

See also: Pleasurists #101 and #100 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

All Painted Up...

A Modest Proposal: Should Ginger & Cooper Fuck?

Happy Sexual Freedom Day

How Do You Explain

Life in spanking after 30: part 2

Erotic Writing

blindfold

Fantasy: Movie Night

Feeling Helpless

Gabrielle, Guest Star

Happy Anniversary...

History Lesson

I Still Don't Know How You Taste

Monday Morning 2am

Metallic Seduction

Need

New Erotic Story For The Holidays - Tinsel Temptation

Putting the car into park

The Ordeal (Part Four)

The Sweetest Violation

The Young Mom

The Moment

The Soccer Mom

Timeless in a Window's Light

Kink & Fetish

A space to hate and rage and be angry (photo story)

Beyond the Bedroom

Does liking Helmut Newton equal a fetish?

Happy Halloween: Light Me Up

I am all pins and needles

Kink and Fibromyalgia

Ownership and Monogamy

Punishing the servants

Pi

Switching It Up

The Cage

The Sacred Swinger Holiday: Halloween!

the most amazing night with HIM

The Pedicure

The Right Question

Wax on, wax off!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

All Roads Lead to Acceptance... I hope!

Crisis Averted

Dear boyfriend, I love you. And your cock.

Having Great Goddamned Expectations

If You Google it, I will Answer #9

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me

How to Massage Man’s G-spot

My Coming Out Story

National Coming Out Day

Recovering From Anorexia

Role Reversal

Sadie's Condom PSA

Talk To Me

2010-10-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

you said you’d read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

-“I’m Not Okay (I Promise),” My Chemical Romance

I’ve somewhat recently had an experience where I thought someone that I liked felt the same way. Except I misread the signals, and I was wrong. He didn’t have feelings for me.

The experience left me feeling more than a little stupid and confused. I consider myself good at reading people, and I’ve been feeling doubtful about my ability to figure people out.

And I started to think about the ways we show someone we like them. There’s an interesting book called “The Five Love Languages,” which says that we all have ways of showing how we love, and we all have ways that we want to be shown we are loved. The languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Words of Affirmation: words of appreciation or encouragement

Quality Time: time spent together – undivided attention with quality activities and/or conversation

Receiving Gifts: a very visible symbol of love that can be bought, found or made

Acts of Service: doing something for the other person, especially something the other person wants or needs

Physical Touch: can take minimal time and effort, like a hug, or more time and effort, like a full-body massage

Reading the book was eye-opening, because I don’t share the same languages as several of my partners. My primary language is want to be told “I love you in” is Touch, followed very closely by Words of Affirmation. Foxy’s is the same. L’s primary language is Acts of Service. Her Majesty declared her royal right to choose all of them, and I’m not yet sure what language My Toy speaks.

I found this concept interesting because these languages could all be considered acts of courtship – when you’re first trying to show you like someone - you spend time with them, you give gifts, you touch them, etc. I also found this so important because if I’m not hearing “I love you” in my love language, it leaves me feeling unfulfilled and uncertain - as my partners likely feel, as well.

But most of all, knowing how my partners want to hear how I feel - be it a hug or flowers - means I can better tell them: "Hey. I love you."

RHS

I Need You to Need Me

2010-10-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been talking with several members of my chosen family about needs lately. What do they need to feel safe and secure? I’ve made a commitment to care for my partners’ emotional, mental, and physical well-being. (Likewise, they’re committed to caring for mine.) The emotional part is especially important - we all get insecure in our relationships and have needs to be met in order to feel secure.

I think of it like a bank account. Sometimes the account is full because I’m getting what I need. Sometimes it starts to run low – as it will, because people get busy and distracted and stressed. Periodic deposits into the account are important in order to maintain the strength of any relationship.

And this is how it happens…

Touch. I need to be touched on a regular basis by the people I care about. Cuddles, hair pets, strokes, hugs, kisses…touch is my primary love language, which means that’s how I show I love you, and how I like people to show they love me. It makes me feel safe, secure, and connected to you.

Communication. I need to talk. I need you to tell me how you’re doing and what you need and want from me. I need to be reminded of what you like about me and how I make your life better. I need little texts from you. I need you to be clear with your expectations of me and our relationship. I need honesty.

Effort. I’m working on making sure my partners get enough time, especially one-on-one time. So I need you to make time for me. I need you to reach out. I need you to let me help you, to let me take care of you. I need to spend time with you outside of scene space. I need to do non-kink things with you. I need you to respect when it’s another partner’s time.

RHS

What is Polyamory?

2010-10-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

I identify as polyamorous. So what does that mean to me?

Well, if I’m going to be a smartass – and I am – it means I love many people. (Which is true, but there's more to it than that.) It means I have multiple ongoing, committed relationships that incorporate an emotional or sexual component (sometimes both).

To me, it's the ability to commit to meet the needs of more than one person. And for those of us who have varied and different needs, polyamory provides a way to get what we need.

You might have a dominant that you play with, but don't want to date. You might have a boyfriend who isn't into kink. You might have a sub that you see only once a month. For those of us who like to switch, for those of us who like boys and girls, for those of us who like different types of play...poly is a way to be satisfied.

Some of my needs are physical. I love sex. I like boys, but I also like girls. I like rough, unrelenting, nails-down-the-back, fuck-me-harder sex. I also like slow, lazy, hours-of-foreplay, teasing sex.

Some of my needs are BDSM-related. I identify as a switch – that means that while I like doing terrible/wonderful things to people, I also like terrible/wonderful things done to me. I have different play styles. Like sex, sometimes I want to give or get a sensual scene: hot wax poured over my body and a sharp knife to slide it off my skin. Sometimes I want to hurt or be hurt: the lash of the flogger, the sting of the paddle, the straining against the ropes.

I have different emotional needs. At different times in my day, my week, my life, I need a caretaker, someone to take care of, someone to push me, someone to push, someone to inspire me, someone to be inspired.

Polyamory is work. You have to balance time and energy. You have to make sure you're meeting your partners' needs, too. And if you have a primary - your number one partner - you have to make double sure they feel secure with their place in your life. You're going to meet new people, new shiny, exciting people who make you feel sexy and special and interesting. This feels great - but it's easy to get caught up in the new shininess that you neglect your other partners. I've done it before - I'm sure I'll do it again.

But when everything goes right, it can be amazing. Imagine feeling safe and secure with all the people in your life. Imagine feeling empowered and confident. Imagine getting enough sex, or cuddles, or kinky playtime. Imagine feeling "full."

It feels yummy.

RHS

I Heart Games

2010-10-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to be a demo bottom for a sex educator and blogger Shanna Katz when I went to Folsom Street Fair this September. Her demo was called “The Kinky Games We Play” and featured a few ways you could incorporate fun and laughter into scenes. Her overall message was one I heartily endorse: it’s ok to laugh in the dungeon. Some of my favorite scenes have incorporated game-playing. So I wanted to put together a list of some of my favorite games.

Human Piñata
If you don’t feel like going to all the trouble of suspending your bottom and then having a group take a few whacks, make your night a little sweeter with this variation. Pick up a few bags of assorted candy: small marshmallows, lifesavers, and gummies will work best. (Make sure your bottom isn’t too sweaty or lotioned.) Lick and stick them candy onto the bottom’s body, then use a small cane to flick or beat the candy off. You can always punish the bottom if some of the candy falls off before you’re ready!

Top Says
Order the subs to do your bidding and punish the ones who don’t! A variant of Simon Says, the game is best played with multiple bottoms and a designated Spanker. The top will call out instructions that can range from vanilla (“Top Says: touch your toes!”) to kinky (“Top Says: rub your clit!”). The Spanker will punish any bottoms who follow instructions incorrectly.

Top Says: Twister Variant
Feel like playing Top Says but don’t think well on your feet? This versions works well with 2+ bottoms in pairs. The colors of Twister correspond to actions of your choosing (red = lick, green = flog, etc.) and the body parts can be nipples, thighs, asses…what were we talking about? Spin the wheel, roll the dice, or pull an action out of hats and call out such exciting orders as “Right nipple – lick!” On second thought, this sounds like a terrible way to spend an evening.

Clothespin Twister
Twister is such a versatile game…find four colors of clothespins – bonus points if you get the original red, yellow, green and blue. Then choose four (or more! It’s your game.) body parts on which to stick said clothespins. If all goes well, bystanders should hear, “Left asscheek – blue!” followed by a chorus of screaming, giggling and other happy noises.

Strips
Blindfold the bottom. Feel free to whisper any number of threats, real or imagined, into their ears. Cut off a number of duct tape strips – let’s say 20. Number them sequentially, and then stick them into the bottom in random order. Make the bottom call out a number between 1 and 20 and you rip that numbered piece off. Bonus points for starting to grab a 9, then announcing, “Oh, that’s not a six.” Extra bonus points for sticking a few unnumbered pieces – just to mess with them in case they’re counting.

Hide and Go ____
This works well in a big house or dungeon with lots of hiding spaces. It’s Hide and Go Seek with any variant you can think of: Hide and Go Spank, Kiss, Grope, Cane, Pinch…start thinking of fun verbs to fill in the blank during that next boring staff meeting.

Tic Tac Ow
Find something sharp! Look in your bag for your trusty knife, Wartenberg wheel, nails, claws, bamboo skewers, or needles to create a tic-tac-toe board on your favorite body part. (You may have to spank the board to get the marks to show up well!) Recruit a partner, choose X’s or O’s and have fun!

Human Chessboard
Use markers, paint or liquid latex to design a chessboard and play a nice, relaxing game. The bottom gets punished if they move and disrupt the pieces. You may choose to integrate hot wax, ice, or knifeplay in order to encourage movement. Bonus points for adapting it to multiple games, including but not limited to Checkers, Scrabble, Chutes and Ladders, and Mystery Date.

Party Favor
Put your bottom in your favorite position or on your favorite cross. Line up some toys and some tops and have at him!

Hangman
“Hang” two or more bottoms from a tie point. You could suspend or partially suspend them. Feel free to use an optional third bottom as a writing surface. Grab some markers or liquid latex and start thinking of tough words. Bonus points for using “Xerox,” “sesquipedalian,” or “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” If a bottom guesses the wrong letter, you can spank them – or they can volunteer someone else to be spanked.

Truth or Paddle
Want to know those dirty, delicious secrets inside your bottom’s brain? Grab a few choice toys and come up with some of those burning questions. Plus – the more you want to know the question, the worse you can make the alternative.

Pin the Tail on the Bottom
Whether your kink is ponies, puppies or kitties, everyone loves getting some tail. All you need is a blindfold, something to attach to your bottom, and a line full of eager participants. Bonus points for coming up with unusual “tails” – signs that say “spank me,” dildos, clothespin zippers…you can even just hand out strips of duct tape to decorate your bottom with.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re either really into games, or really into me, or have a lot of time on your hands. Either way, well done.

Got a game idea of your own? Post a comment below…

RHS