In Defense of Exclusion

I'm going to throw an ice cream fetishist party. It's only going to be for hardcore dairy aficionados. The lactose-intolerant need not apply. Aren't a fan of cones? Don't show up. Not into sprinkles? Get the hell out. Fro-yo lovers? What. The. Fuck.

Because I'm pro-exclusion. I know, I know. We should be inclusive, with parties where Gorean masters, queer needle tops, kitties and littles can all come together and celebrate the uniqueness and diversity of the scene. We should love our spankos and pyros and blood players and rope sluts and all play together in a supersexy pansexual environment.

Right.

That's a great vision. Truly. And I think we should aim to have parties, munches, events and conventions with as many types of kinksters as possible. But you know what? Sometimes it's nice to be with people who are like you. It's nice to be around people who get your kink, your fetish - to be somewhere that you don't have to explain it to.

I was talking to a puppy girl a while ago about an upcoming puppy event. I asked if littles could come and play with the puppies because, hello? Puppies! She said it was possible that a littles presence might detract from the goal of the event, that it might change the vibe. And she may well be right.

I have heard the arguments for and against TNG groups, women-only groups, queer groups. And I still come down on the side of providing events restricted to certain groups where everyone present feels welcomed and validated, where knowledge can be shared, where you can create an atmosphere that can be pumped full of hot sexy energy and everyone can celebrate the unique energy that is puppy/kitty/blood/rope/ice cream.

One presenter at a recent kink convention I attended said that the emotional well-being of people in the dungeon is not her responsibility. I disagree to a certain extent, and feel strongly that there can be situations where the presence of someone who so clearly doesn't belong can hurt the energy of what's being created. I want some safe spaces where people don't look at me funny, where people understand. As a little, I've met plenty of people who are more than a little creeped out by age play. When I go in littlespace, the last thing I want is disapproving adults making me feel like I've done something wrong for wanting to color and play My Little Pony.

I will not be invited to gay leather puppy events, and that's fantastic. I do not feel excluded. I want them to have hot sexy gay leather puppy energy and feel united in their puppiness. I don't want to make them feel weird, self-conscious, or overly voyeured. Their event is not supposed to make ME feel welcome.

The goal is not to create walls, but homes with many rooms with many doors. It's a wonderful experience to have a big party, to gather in the living room and drink and play games and talk. But sometimes, I want to go into a bedroom with closer friends and feel the energy that comes from an intimate encounter with people like me.

RHS